Inquiring Minds Want to Know about Virginity, Bass and Bird Flu
Tony Snow, who gave up his Fox News commentator gig to become President Bush’s new press secretary, is expected to give his first full-fledged press briefing any day now. White House correspondents are drawing up questions that will test whether Snow’s appointment heralds a new era in Bush Administration transparency.
Herewith, some suggestions for questions:
–President Bush has said he thinks Intelligent Design should be taught in the schools, which implies the President actually believes in Intelligent Design. If that’s so, how does he explain Winnie the Pooh?
–Tony, it is widely expected that a bird flu pandemic will sweep the world any day now and that the best defense is a three-month self-quarantine. Where will President and Mrs. Bush spend their quarantine — the White House Situation Room, the Crawford ranch or the Cheneys’ Bunker in West Virginia?
A follow up, if I might, Tony. Do President and Mrs. Bush plan to continue to order in Chinese takeout for dinner every Wednesday night and, if so, how will they handle tipping the delivery boy, since, as everyone knows, Chinese takeout delivery boys will be the Typhoid Marys of bird flu?
–Is it true, to the best of your knowledge, Tony, that Vice President Cheney is planning to have hair transplant treatments?
– Does the Administration still advocate celibacy until marriage? If so, can you confirm that President and Mrs. Bush’s daughters, Jenna and Barbara, are still virgins?
– Tony, It is said that Mary Cheney’s new book doesn’t have a promotional jacket blurb from the President. Does this imply a further cooling of the relationship between the President and the vice president?
A quick follow up: Is the President considering hair transplant treatments, too?
– Tony, I would like to follow up on my esteemed colleague’s question about Chinese takeout delivery boys. Reports have been circulating for several days now that the President Himself telephoned Hunan Kitchen and suggested that in the future he wanted to see some Chinese takeout delivery girls, too, not just exclusively delivery boys. Is that true? Did the President place such a call? And if so, on what date and at what time?
A follow up please? Did the Hunan Kitchen comply with his request?
– Last week the President was interviewed by a German tabloid newspaper. When the President was asked what was the most wonderful moment of his presidency, he said it was catching a seven-and-one-half-pound large mouth Bass at the lake on his Texas ranch. That was a joke, right? Please tell us it was a joke.