We’ll Skip Reading These News Stories. It’s Clear How They Turn Out.
Man with Twelve Nails in Skull Complains of Headache
The emergency room intern gave him a packet of aspirins and sent him home. That must have done the trick, because they never heard from him again.
Panel: Legislators Shouldn’t Work Drunk
Wrong! What they should do is keep them drunk all the time. That way you could pretty much insure that they wouldn’t pass any new laws. The government always runs better when lawmakers don’t get anything done.
Senator Kennedy’s Plane Struck by Lighting
Finally, God has tuned in to all those Republican prayers. Soon enough, Pat Robertson will take credit, claiming that his prayers drowned out the others.
Fake Doctor Accused of Giving Free Breast Exams
Actually, it’s not all that hard. Buy an old stethoscope at a thrift shop. Get a white bathrobe at Wal-Mart and take two folding chairs and a card table to a busy downtown corner. Put up a sign that says: “Let Me Examine Your Boobs for Free” There will be a line in no time at all.
Researcher: Tectonic Plates Moving Slowly
If you were a scientist who had devoted his entire life to the study of tectonic plates and you tried to sum up your scientific findings in a few words, what else could you say, really?
Fishnet Hosiery Does in Robbery Suspect
The problem was that he forgot to empty out the fish before putting on the hosiery and then when the cops stopped him, he made up this cock and bull story about entering a drag queen amateur talent show.