This is a joke, right? Some snarky faux news Web site having some fun. If this were a real news story, the headline would be: Bereaved Relatives Rent Backhoe for 457-Pound Woman’s Funeral.
We’re sorry, but if they can’t even write a decent headline, why bother reading the story? If the cops cite a couple for doing something with a fake penis and you’re the headline writer, you don’t need “bizarre.” Couple Cited in Fake Penis Case will do just fine to entice every pervert on the planet to read your story.
Duh! What else would he be carrying it in? A leaky paper sack dripping blood? If you’re going to carry your wife’s head around with you, the least you can do to respect her memory is get a proper bag for the job.
O.K. Fine. Women do this all the time, as we well know, particularly in Florida. The key question here is what was she carrying the head in? A leaky paper sack dripping blood? And another thing: since when have they started arresting people for doing this in Florida?
O.K., enough already! What kind of bags? Leaky paper sacks dripping blood?
Yikes! Is this some kind of trend? Couldn’t we just have a story about greedy Washington lobbyists or a Supreme Court justice giving somebody the bird? Or, for a change of pace, how about “Bush Falls off Bike During Ride” or something equally banal?
O.K., that’s enough. We’re outa here. Australopithecus heads in fossilized paper sacks dripping blood in a corner behind the furnace. We’re off to the video store to rent that horror flick where Paris Hilton gets killed and everyone watching in theaters cheered.