On the Whole, the Calls to Yemen Were Pretty Innocent, Too
To: National Security Agency
Subject: My Phone Call Records
Let’s get it out in the open right away. I voted for John Kerry. Yeah, I know. Big mistake and I deeply regret it now. Clearly, the other guy was the better choice. Still, you must be wondering about all my calls to the DNC and the Kerry campaign offices. And, of course, that avalanche of calls I made during one day to Teresa’s private number. All very innocent. I just wanted to know how much the Dems would pay me if I guaranteed I would vote for Kerry. Lots of back and forth. I wanted $1,500. They offered $5 at first, then raised it to $10.
The calls to Yemen and Karachi. Yes, the Yemen calls were about renting a shipping container and how to get it on a boat to Baltimore. I admit during a couple of calls I asked about how likely it was that the container might be opened by customs inspectors in Baltimore. But it was all very innocent. I met this Pakistani dude who was the overnight manager for a 7-11 in Cleveland. He told me how you could buy really cheap fake Persian rugs in Bangalore, ship them to Yemen, sew in Made in Saudi Arabia labels, ship them to America and make a 1,000 percent profit. But it never worked out. The guys in Bangalore wanted money up front, and I was broke at the time.
The calls to Waziristan. I can see how they might look suspicious, but I was drinking a lot at the time. My wife was at the laundromat one morning when she meets this FBI agent doing his laundry, too. Next thing you know, she’s left me for an FBI agent! Can you beat that? I started spending a lot of time at Herbie’s and some of the guys bet me I couldn’t call of Osama on the phone. So I found a lot of Waziristan phone numbers and started dialing. When they answered, I would say, “Can I speak to Osama.” Most of them hung up. Once in a while, someone spoke English and we’ve have a nice talk about the weather, the dollar exchange rate and where Osama might be. One guy even said he had seen Osama just that morning. Then the phone card I bought at Wal-Mart ran out. All pretty innocent.
If you want more details, I would be happy to provide them. But could we do it over the telephone? Every time you send an FBI agent around, the neighbors stare at me for days.