Use These Tips to Help the Computers Lock on to Any Call
Tip No. 1 Whenever possible, speak in Arabic (or Persian) or sprinkle your conversation with as many Arabic or Persian-sounding words as possible.
Tip No. 2 Always answer your phone calls with the Arabic or Persian equivalent of “hello”, or at a minimum answer with “hello” but use a thick Arabic or Persian accent. (Note: Answering with the greeting “shalom” is unlikely to produce results.) Some NSA wiretapees report that ending phone conversations with “Hasta la vista, Baby” has attracted the computers’ attention.
Tip No. 3 Whether speaking in Arabic, Persian or English, sprinkle the English surnames Bush and/or Cheney and the term “great Satan” throughout your phone conversations as often as possible. (Some wiretapees report success with the phrase “no blood for oil.”)
Tip No. 4 Periodically pause in your phone conversations so that the computers can catch up and then speak this phrase in English as clearly and precisely as possible: “Even dopey old John Kerry couldn’t have screwed things up this badly.”
Tip No. 5 Once during every phone conversation — but absolutely, positively no more than once — speak the following in unaccented English as clearly and precisely as possible: “I know where Osama is.”
Tip No. 6 Once during each phone conversation casually remark in English, Arabic, Persian, French, Russian, Urdu, German, Spanish, Swahili, Latin, Greek, Hungarian, Polish, Italian, or Navajo: “Only shrill Hillary will be able to get us out of this mess.”