Sooner or Later, the Pandemic Will Arrive
Unlike many, I’m taking the likelihood of a bird flu pandemic seriously. So I ordered a complete set of bird flu armor — mask, goggles, gloves, disinfectant cloths and hand wipes.
It was Christmas in June when the gear arrived in a plain brown box with no return address that might target me for ridicule from the UPS driver or my neighbors.
A test seemed imperative, so within minutes I had donned the NIOSH N312 Particulate Respirator with Hood and Filtration Backpack, the Non-Allergenic Nitrile Extreme Examination Gloves, a pair of Latex-Free, Shatter-Proof and Bullet-Resistant Goggles and the Sanitary Hypo-Allergenic OSHA Foam Ear Plugs.
I tucked some Hospital Grade Extreme Emergency Germicidal Disinfectant Cloths and some Hospital Grade Extreme Emergency Anti-Microbial Hand Wipes in a pocket, in case someone touched me or sneezed nearby.
Fully protected, I set off on foot for the neighborhood drug store two blocks away to buy a gross of aspirin bottles for my bird flu pandemic quarantine stockpile in the basement.
Something in the NIOSH N312 Particulate Respirator with Hood and Filtration Backpack must have set off the metal detectors when I walked in, because a siren went off and a metal grate crashed shut, locking me inside the store. (Drugstores in our town have extra security because they want to keep out armed robbers out.)
I sensed a commotion of some sort in the store, but the Latex-Free, Shatter-Proof and Bullet-Resistant Goggles serverely restricted both forward and peripheral vision. And the Sanitary Hypo-Allergenic OSHA Foam Ear Plugs really shut out sound. So it was hard to tell what was going on.
I trudged up and down the aisles looking for aspirin bottles, being careful each time I pulled something from the shelves to wipe it with one of the Hospital Grade Extreme Emergency Anti-Microbial Hand Wipes before I held it up close to see if it was aspirin.
Finally, I walked back to the pharmacy area to ask for help, but the pharmacist behind the counter was just a blur and he couldn’t hear my shouts through the NIOSH N312 Particulate Respirator with Hood and Filtration Backpack. Squinching my eyes up real tight, I could just make him out behind the counter, waving something at me.
Just as it was dawning on me that it was an assault rifle the pharmacist held, the cops tackled me and we all crashed to the floor. Once they had me cuffed and I sat up, they ripped off all the bird flu armor. All of this was accompanied by lots of shouting.
To make a long story short, they didn’t take me to jail or issue a citation. The pharmacist provided a large plastic bag and I stuffed all the bird flu armor — somewhat worse for the wear — in it.
Outside, the crowd of onlookers was hushed as I emerged from the store with my police escort. The cops were even nice enough to drive me home.
I think equipping yourself with bird flu armor is a very good idea, because there’s no doubt in my mind that the pandemic is coming, sooner or later. But be sure to field test the armor before actual use, like I did, just so you can work out any bugs.