Inability to Move Your Eyes Is not the End of the World
Dear Patient:
Thank you for taking our drug. We spent hundreds of millions of dollars developing it so that your doctor could wisely prescribe it for your condition. We are certain it will quickly get you back on the mend. If not, we have other drugs you might want to try.
The Federal Government requires that we inform you of possible side effects from taking our drug. Although these side effects rarely, if ever, occur, we are happy to pass them along, just in case.
Possible side effects: drowsiness, dizziness, nasal congestion, blurred vision, dry mouth, constipation. Check with you doctor if you experience changes in breasts, changes in menstrual period, prolonged or painful erection, sore throat, inability to move eyes, muscle spasms of face, neck, or back; difficulty swallowing; falling down more often than once every five minutes, mask-like face, if people in the street point at you and stare, tremors of hands, restlessness, tension in legs, shuffling walk or stiff arms or legs, puffing cheeks, lip smacking or puckering, crunchy sounds when you walk on gravel pathways, twitching or twisting movements, weakness of arms or legs. If you notice other effects, such as poor posture, psoriasis, disobedient children or spouses, increasing mortgage payments because of rising interest rates, bad breath, excessive passing of gas, too many speeding tickets, excessive fleas on your dog or dogs, stopped kitchen sink drains, or neighbors playing loud music late at night, contact your doctor, nurse, pharmacist, Navajo shaman, local crossing guard, service station attendant or furnace repair technician at once. Otherwise, take this medication as often as you wish. Also, please permit us to remind you once again that if this drug doesn’t solve your problem, we have other drugs that you should try. ENJOY!!!