Frightened Female Shoppers Hide in Bathrooms, Dressing Rooms
Wal-Mart hurriedly canceled the national rollout of its “Love in the Aisles” program after hordes of horny geezers filled more than 200 stores Friday hoping to find dates. Startled female shoppers of all ages fled to bathrooms, dressing rooms, and garden centers for refuge.
“We regret any inconvenience to our customers and offer our sincere apologies to anyone who had an unpleasant shopping experience,” the nation’s largest retailer said in a terse statement.
The program made its debut Friday night at 200 stores nationwide and was seen by retailing experts as a clever marketing ploy. Shoppers of both sexes who wanted to participate registered as they entered the store and were given a red heart to attach to their shopping cart.
The heart on a cart was a signal that the shopper was willing to be approached by another shopper with a heart and strike up a conversation. Wal-Mart executives apparently had expected an orderly, sedate evening reminiscent of people strolling around a town square in years gone by.
Instead, hordes of elderly men descended on most of the participating stores at the 7 p.m. start time, intent on finding a willing date looking for something more than coffee and a conversation.
“I’ve never seen so many lusty old men without teeth and hair gathered in one place, except maybe the Moose Lodge I went to as a kid with my father,” said a Wal-Mart store manager, who spoke on the condition that his name and store location not be revealed.
“They were running up to any female customer, whether she had a heart on her cart or not and saying things like, ‘How about it, Babe? You looking for some fun?’ Frankly, I was appalled.”
Reports from a Wal-Mart store in Ocean View, Wisconsin said that more than three dozen elderly men showed up, each with a large sponge rubber penis that they waved in the air.
“I had gone to Wal-Mart to get one of those five-gallon toffee popcorn tubs so I could watch some television and suddenly I was surrounded by all these old guys with no teeth and no hair and they hadn’t shaved or bathed,” said Elda Scoggins. “They were waving these, these sponge rubber male members at me.”
Scoggins grabbed her purse and fled to the ladies rest room, with some of the men in pursuit. The rest room was filled to capacity with frightened customers, so she sprinted to the garden center.
“Turns out they were afraid to come near plants and flowers and things like that,” she said. “There were a lot of us in there hiding among the foliage.”
The geezer stampede is a harbinger of things to come, said Amistad Brewster, a sociologist at Dartmouth College in Hanover, New Hampshire.
“There are more and more older people filled with sexual longings that in years gone by they might have repressed,” he said. “The women tend to stay at home and nurture them quietly. The men are acting them out in public. This will just get worse as the baby boomers age. A decade from now, geezer stampedes will be a common occurrance and police will have special units to handle them.”