November 29, 2004

Ask the Vet

Hairy Miss America Aspirant Worries about Swimsuits

Dear Ask the Vet:

My beautiful blonde long-hair miniature dachshund (eight pounds soaking wet) has her heart set on becoming Miss America. We're getting ready to start working our way up the ladder. Atlantic City here we come! Everyone tells us Sissy will easily ace all of the competitions. She walks upright with perfect poise, can intelligently discuss any subject, etc. But we're worried about the swimsuit phase. She is a little on the hairy side. Should we shave her regularly and send her to a tanning salon?

Anxious in Annapolis

Dear Appie:

No! No! Do the opposite. Hairy women are coming back into style, the hairier the better. Feminine hair will definitely be the "in" thing by next September. Buy a hair growth stimulant to get even more hair and give her a tablespoon of triple virgin olive oil every day to make the hair glisten. For the swimsuit competition, dress her in a tiny tutu, exposing as much of her without being indecent. Let a nipple or three or four peek out from the hair. Then all she has to do is parade back and forth with as big a smile as possible and unshakable poise that says, "Look at me. I'm cute." After she wins, we'd love it if she could stop by the clinic to cheer up the sick cats.

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Dear Ask the Vet:

My llama Edwin has been living with us for almost three years and spitting has never been a problem until the last month or so. Now, every time I walk up he starts in spitting and just won't quit. Any suggestions?

Drenched in Yorba Linda

Dear Yorb:

Go to the local convenience store and buy several tins of Copenhagen or some other chewing tobacco. Stuff both cheeks full and go out to visit the llama. If he spits, just spit right back. And keep spitting until he's covered with brown slime. Eventually, he'll quit. Repeat this every time he spits at you. Sooner or later, he'll get the idea, unless your teeth rot out first or you die from mouth cancer.

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Dear Ask the Vet:

My parakeet has stopped singing. What should I do?

Silent in Birdington

Dear Bird:

Go to the mall and find a videocassette or DVD of Sylvester and Tweety cartoons. The more cartoons, the better. But be sure there are no Bugs Bunny or other Looney Tunes cartoons. Just Sly and his bird. Put your parakeet's cage in front of the TV and play the cartoons non-stop for a day or two. The non-stop part is very important. If you can't sleep during this period, well, that's life. You'll be pleasantly surprised after you turn the racket off. Your bird will be back to singing his head off. Caution: if you have a cat, board it out to a kennel or a friend. Cats exposed to non-stop Sylvester and Tweety cartoons tend to exhibit anti-social behavior.

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