November 3, 2004

Ask the Vet

Paris Hilton Wannabe Seeks Chihuahua Advice

Dear Ask the Vet:

I'm blonde, with blue eyes, and 21. Everyone tells me I'm just as cute as Paris Hilton. My boy friend tells me I'm way cuter than her and lots, lots hotter and he should know. I want to get a shot at a television program or a movie, just like Paris. Should I get a Chihuahua, or some other kind of dog?

Reno Sexy Babe

Dear Reno:

Dogs are out, particularly Chihuahuas. You want either a snake or a fish. Trust me on this one. I'm plugged in with the right people, and the talent scouts and casting directors are into snakes, with fish next. Dogs are far down the list, after buffalo the last time I checked. My favorite snake is a boa constrictor. He's an easy keeper. You can keep him in his carrier and take him wherever you go. Just toss a mouse into the carrier from time to time. I can guarantee you that casting directors will remember you and your cute boa. If you'd rather have a fish, then go with a snakehead.

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Dear Ask the Vet:

We recently got a darling Siamese cat. We love him to death, but there's a problem. He never stops talking. Talk, talk, talk. He's driving us crazy. What can we do to shut him up, or at least tone him down?

Earache in Cicero

Dear Ear:

One possible solution is to invite your mother-in-law over for a visit and lock her and the cat in a room and let them have at one another for several days. Just slip them some food under the door. If that's not feasible, there is a new cat isolation box on the market. It's about the size of foot locker and is fully soundproofed and air conditioned. When the kitty is driving you around the bend with his chatter, just put him in the isolation box with some food and water for a time out, just like a little kid.

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Dear Ask the Vet:

In a recent column you said there probably was a connection between a stray cat that a couple adopted and named Marlon Brandon and the subsequent death of the actor Marlon Brando. I've not heard such an overblown, ridiculous, silly, outlandish, stupid, irreverent, uninformed, and sacreligious thing since at least the Nixon Administration. Where did you go to vet school?

Ticked Off in Titusville

Dear Off:

Thank you for writing. You may be right.

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