October 13, 2004

Ask the Vet:

Groundhogs Teach the Humans a Thing or Two

Dear Ask the Vet:

In a recent column you told Groundhog Grandma that the best way to get rid of the groundhog family in her backyard was to dump used Kitty Litter down the hole. That sounded like a great idea, so I tried it. Guess what? Not only are groundhogs still around, but they're bringing mice and other rodents they've caught and killed and leaving them in front of the door, just like cats do. Now what, Dr. Genius?

Littered in Louisville

Dear Littered:

The g'hogs are merely trying to teach you to hunt. Like the cats, they despair about how you're going to survive over the long term if you don't learn how to feed yourself. So get out there in the bushes on your hands and knees and snag a few mice and moles. That might assure the g'hogs enough about your self-sufficiency so that they won't feel guilty if they move out of their burrow. Also, I recently learned that dumping the litter box down the g'hog hole only works with genuine, brand name Kitty Litter, not any of the second-rate knockoffs. So check the label on the bag.

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Dear Ask the Vet:

The summer was so wet that we are just, like, totally overrun with tomatoes in the garden. We're so sick of them that we began feeding them to the camel instead of alfalfa hay. Unfortunately, the camel's milk has begun to turn pink and has a distinct totmato flavor to it. We've taken to throwing the camel milk out, which is a shame.

Milked Out in Palm Springs

Dear Milked:

The solution is simple. If you're any kind of a gardener, you must also have bushels and bushels of cucumbers. Just begin feeding the camel your cucumbers and cut back on the tomatoes. Cucumbers have long been used by desert nomads to offset the effects of feeding their lactating camels too many tomatoes. You'd be surprised at the extent to which the problem of too many tomatoes and cucumbers in the garden cuts across cultures and global time zones.

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Dear Ask the Vet:

For about two years, my son's boa constrictor lived inside an old tire that Bobby kept on the floor of the closet in his bedroom. About six month's ago, Albert (that's the boa's name) disappeared. We looked everywhere for weeks and couldn't find him. Yesterday, my husband had a flat tire while driving to work. When he opened the trunk of the car and removed the spare tire cover, he found Albert wrapped around the tire. He ended up having to change more than the tire, if you get my drift. How do you explain this?

Constricted in Chappaqua

Dear Constricted:

I'm a veterinarian, not a medical doctor. But I do know enough about human anatomy and physiology to say that sometimes during a moment of great fright the anal muscles briefly relax. That might explain why your husband had to change more than just the flat tire.

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