September 23, 2004

Ask the Vet:

Get Your Cat on a More Convenient Hairball Schedule

Dear Ask the Vet:

Every evening at 6 p.m., give or take a few minutes, my cat coughs up a hairball. She makes a terrible noise and it disturbs my concentration because that's when I watch Jerry Springer re-runs. How can I change her schedule so she does it at 5 instead of 6?

Barfed in Buffalo

Dear Barfed:

Isn't it amazing how virtually all cats keep to a very tight schedule when it comes to expelling hairballs? Fortunately, changing their schedule is rather simple. Just set your kitchen clock ahead one hour so that when it says 6 p.m., it's actually 5 p.m. This will work! Just try it. Don't forget to compensate when daylight saving time ends. Also, you might have to change the time on clocks in adjacent rooms if you think the cat looks at them very often.

---

 

Dear Ask the Vet:

My apartment is very small and there's only room for one terrarium. That's where my snake lives. I really, really would love to have a cute little hamster, but I read somewhere that snakes sometimes eat hamsters. Is there a way for the two to live together?

Lonely in Palm Beach

Dear Lonely:

Wrap the hamster in aluminum foil. The two of them will get along great. You'll need to plan to take the hamster out of the terrarium on a regular schedule and unwrap the aluminum foil so the little fellow can eat and drink and go to the bathroom. Don't forget to rewrap the hamster before putting him back with his roommate!

---

 

Dear Ask the Vet:

Recently, a stray cat came to our door and he was so cute my husband and I decided to adopt him. He moved right in and made himself at home. Neither one of us can explain why, but we decided to name him Marlon Brando. We were heartbroken when less than a week later the real Marlon Brando died. We've been blaming ourselves ever since, but our pastor says there is no connection. What do you think?

Mortified in Muskogee

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Mort:

Your pastor is wrong. There probably is a connection. Cats have enormous psychic powers (just ask the ancient Egyptians). This is one of those unhappy life events you'll have to learn to live with. However, I have recently seen scientific papers in veterinary journals that suggest certain fortune tellers and voodoo experts can sometimes reverse these things. It's probably a long shot, but perhaps worth the trouble if this situation continues to upset you.

---

Copyright 2003-2004 William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions
All Rights Reserved
satire | humor | comedy | parody| satirical headlines

Tom DeLay reacts to news of his indictment.

Visit Our Gallery of
Dubya Bald Heads

Order a Copy Now