September 9, 2004

Ask the Vet:

Chihuahua's Poor Bed Manners Endanger New Marriage

Dear Ask the Vet:

I recently married the man of my dreams. He loves my 19-year-old Chihuahua, Pepe Loco, and they get along great, except in bed. Each time Robert touches me, Pepe bites his toes - Robert's toes, that is. Don't tell me to banish Pepe from the bed. It would break his heart.

Conflicted in Pasadena

Dear Conflicted:

Banish Pepe? Absolutely not! If anyone gets the old heave-ho, it's Robert Boy. And don't wait too long. But first, try this. Fry a hamburger patty. Drain off the grease. Every night just before bed, heat the grease and paint Robert's toes with it. This should give you a 20 minute window to get your lights out business done while Pepe is occupied with licking, rather than biting the toes.

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Dear Ask the Vet:

The local newspaper runs a comic strip about a "typical" suburban family with three kids. The youngest child, a real hellion, has a pet iguana that he constantly abuses. What can be done to stop this abuse? It's just not right and sets a bad example.

Disturbed in Dayton

Dear Disturbed:

Write to the National Association for Prevention of Cruelty and Abuse of Animals in Comic Strips. NAPCAACS will intervene with the comic strip's author, its syndicate and newspapers that publish the strip. If this doesn't stop the abuse, NAPCAACS will go into court and get an order removing the abused iguana from the comic strip. They've successfully done this several times, and appellate courts have upheld such removal of abused pets from comic strips.

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Dear Ask the Vet:

Uncle Jacob recently died and in his will he left my family his pet elephant. We love Abner. He lives in the backyard and has fitted into family life. The only problem is, my uncle left no money for feeding Abner, and believe me, he knows how to eat! Would it be wrong to ask Abner to get a job and help out with his food costs?

Headed for the Poor House in Poughkeepsie

Dear Headed:

Elephants love to work! There's no reason Abner shouldn't pitch in and help with family finances. There are plenty of elephants around the country who have jobs. There's one in Lowell Corners, Alabama who has a job emptying coins from the town's parking meters. I heard recently about an elephant that was on welfare but now is washing dishes in a diner in Feversville, California as part of Gov. Schwarzeneggar's welfare reform program. So head down to your local unemployment office and get Abner signed up. Also, be sure and ask about the recent law Congress passed that will probably cover Abner's costs of commuting to his new job.

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