November 23, 2004

Shrinks Discover Martha Stewart Media Withdrawal Syndrome

Some Victims Found in Trance Wandering K-Mart Aisles

A group of New York psychoanalysts said yesterday they have identified a new mental illness and named it Martha Stewart Media Withdrawal Syndrome.

It is caused by the lack of media coverage of Martha Stewart's activities and primarily strikes people who became addicted to a constant bombardment of news reports about Stewart. The victims came to depend on the reports to define their sense of reality, well being, and self-esteem.

Now that Stewart is in prison in West Virginia serving a five-month sentence for lying to federal investigators about a sale of stock, the media is cutoff from Stewart and unable to report anything new about her.

"This might sound like a frivolous matter, a pop psychology junk diagnosis, but I can assure it's anything but that," said Elizabeth Wilson, a psychoanalyst who is the current rotating chairperson of New York Psychoanalysts Luncheon Group. More than 1,000 New York City psychoanalysts belong to the group. Almost all of them are based in Manhattan.

"These people are really hurting now that they have been cut off from news of Martha for almost two months," Wilson said. "I'm now treating eight patients who have full-blown cases of the syndrome, and all of them are having a terrible time coping with stress on the job, relating to their peers and loved ones, and coming to terms with the fact that they might not be who and what they think they are."

Wilson said early symptoms are incessant channel hopping while watching television in a fruitless search for news reports or programs about Stewart. Lethargy, followed by deepening depression, are more advanced symptoms. So is sneaking past security in the lobby of the office building where the company Stewart founded, Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, is located.

"The last time I checked, more than 20 people with the syndrome have been caught wandering the halls of Martha Stewart Living, popping into offices, crashing conference room meetings, and lurking in the women's rest rooms in the mistaken hope of catching a glimpse of Martha or perhaps encountering some form of comforting evidence of Martha's past presence."

Edward Aniston, another member of the psychoanalyst group, said he has two patients with advanced cases of the syndrome who have wandered away from their homes and been found several days later inside K-Mart stores in New York City's suburbs. They were wandering trance-like through the home decorating aisles when Martha Stewart products can be found.

Aniston said another patient had been arrested by police for stealing a copy of the magazine Martha Stewart Living from a subway newsstand in New York's Times Square subway station.

No dependable treatment has yet been found for the syndrome, the analysts said.

"Of course, we're all hoping that when Martha gets out of prison next spring there will be an enormous outburst of media hoopla and that these poor, unfortunate people will experience miraculous recoveries," Wilson said. "That is, providing they can survive until next spring."

Aniston said some of his colleagues have tried transferring patients to other celebrities, like Britney Spears or Jennifer Lopez.

"That generally doesn't work," he said. "My patients are attracted to Martha because she a successful multi-millionaire businesswoman. They don't care about vapid pop stars."

He said he had tried to switch his patients to Kenneth Lay, the former Enron chairman, and Donald Trump, the real estate mogul. "It didn't work," he said. "They saw Lay as pathetic and powerless and Trump was seen as too much of a blowhard mamma's boy who can't be trusted."

Copyright 2003-2004 William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions
All Rights Reserved
satire | humor | comedy | parody| satirical headlines