November 1, 2004

Feeble Brains Almost Became the October Surprise

Trans Fats and Dim-Witted Lab Rats Looked Like the Ticket

Now it can be told, the story of the October Surprise that never was.

It all started with media reports early last week that middle-aged rats fed diets high in trans fats had impaired memory and learning. The fats -- hydrogenated vegetable oil is an example -- are widely used by the food industry and restaurants.

Apparently acting separately, Karl Rove, George Bush's chief political strategist, and Bob Shrum, John Kerry's chief strategist, both thought they had finally found their October Surprise. They would show that because of diet, the other side's candidate was a forgetful dimwit with an IQ of a telephone pole. They would harp on it right up until election day.

Rove and his minions danced with glee at the idea of painting Kerry as an addled numbskull who flip-flopped on issues, all because of his trans fat profligacy. They would show that his brain had been turned into swiss cheese by microtubule-associated proteins, preventing him from remembering something longer than 30 seconds.

They envisioned a slogan like: "A commander and chief has to be able to remember something longer than the blink of an eye." Their attack ad would have a ticking stopwatch, like the one 60 Minutes uses on its broadcasts and a cartoonish Kerry figure reminiscent of Disney's Goofy character.

In the Kerry camp, Shrum and his merry distortioners planned to show that an ocean of trans fats consumed in too many tacos, enchiladas, chili dogs, and breakfast burritos had produced a presidential intellect equivalent to that of a newt. They would then link the failure to catch Osama, the nation's economic woes, and the mess in Iraq with the president's self-indulgent, rich frat boy junk food diet.

The Republicans thought they had struck pay dirt when it was revealed at mid-week that Kerry eats four peanut butter and jelly sandwiches a day on the campaign trail. Surely, they thought, peanut butter must be loaded with trans fats. Attack ad designers began working on a giant p&J sandwich with a Kerry figure stuck in between the two slices of bread, struggling ineptly to get out.

Alas, the Bush Administration's own Agriculture Department reported that peanut butter had no trans fats. Strategists pondered the possibility of simply declaring they did, since such flat out stating of falsehoods as fact had seemed to work earlier. But then someone pointed out that the peanut farmer lobby was a big contributor. It was also noted large quantities of sugar are used to make jelly. No one wanted to offend the sugar lobby.

The Democrats dispatched a spy to the Coffee Station restaurant in Crawford, Texas, a Bush hangout, to scope out the use of hydrogenated vegetable oil in the kitchen. The operative, who found it most unpleasant to pretend to be a Texas Republican, reported that prominent signs at the restaurant announced that they didn't use trans fats in their kitchen.

Next, Shrum, et al, pursued rumors that Bush rallies were only held in cities which had at least one Taco Bell. Operatives staked out Taco Bells, watching for Republicans appearing around the time of a rally who placed large orders for tacos. They thought they had a smoking gun in a Columbus, Ohio suburb when a clean-cut young man in a suit with a Bush campaign pin on his lapel ordered ten dozen tacos to go. They tailed him to a bachelor party in a bowling alley.

At that point -- late last week -- both parties were back at their respective drawing boards and the pressure for a genuine October surprise was ratcheting upwards. Then Osama did his thing with the video harangue, and everyone heaved a huge sigh of relief.

Ever adroit at shifting gears in an instant, operatives on both sides sprang into action and began furiously spinning Osama, an activity that promised to carry them to election day.

Copyright 2003-2004 William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions
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