September 21, 2004

Cheney Predicts Plagues for States that Vote for Kerry

Glaciers Will Melt, Banks Run out of Nickels

Ratcheting up election campaign rhetoric, Vice President Dick Cheney told an Ohio rally Monday that those battleground states foolish enough to vote for John Kerry will be visited by a swarm of plagues in the week's after the November 2 election.

"A state that supports Kerry can expect to see clouds of locusts, swarms of yowling cats whose litter boxes are overflowing and bats screeching in every belfry," Cheney told a rally in Erwinna, Ohio.

He said Kerry states could expect sinkholes to open up in the middle of interstate highways, banks to run out of nickels, convenience stores to stop selling donuts, and unannounced visits from Uncle Fred and Aunt Gladys that last for weeks, not days.

"That will just be for starters," Cheney told an enthusiastic crowd of about 500 cheering Republicans.

Cheney and House Speaker Dennis Hastert have both said recently that if Kerry is elected president it would invite terrorist attack. Cheney's comments Monday seemed to expand the pantheon of dangers related to John Kerry as president and signal the opening of a new front in the election battle.

"A Kerry Administration will mean that wells will run dry in those states that support him," Cheney said. "Glaciers will melt, causing rivers to flood and inundating cities with 100- and 500-year floods. Rental cars will stall within a few miles of leaving the rental car office, all dogs will bark all night, and children will pay even less attention to what their parents say than they do now."

Cheney made most of the predictions while speaking out of the side of his mouth. Aides have said in the past that anything the Vice President says from the side of his mouth should be taken very seriously.

"I'm not trying to frighten anyone into voting for President Bush," Cheney said, "but I'm here to warn that those states and counties and precincts and households that vote for John Kerry instead of the President will be making a big mistake."

Additional plagues the Vice President mentioned included:

Small towns that support Kerry can expect a new Wal-Mart to be built on the outskirts that guts the downtown business area.

Neighborhoods that support Kerry will see an alarming increase in the number of Jehovah's Witnesses coming to the door. "As many as a hundred a day," he predicted.

Families that place Kerry-Edwards signs in their front yards will experience crabgrass infestations next summer that boggle the mind. "We know who has the Kerry signs. We're keeping track," Cheney told the rally.

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