October 6, 2004

Society of Congressmen Who Live in Their Offices Meets

Used Condom under the Bed and Missing TV Remote Top Issues

The quarterly meeting of the Society of Congressmen Who Live in Their Offices was held Tuesday night during the 90 minutes before the vice presidential debate. It was the only time all 26 members could find an open spot on their respective calendars.

The five female members of SCWLTCO immediately moved that the group's name be changed to the Society of Congresswomen and Congressmen Who Live in Their Offices, something they do at the beginning of every meeting. As usual, they were defeated, 21-5.

The members of SCWLTO, who cut across party, gender, and racial lines, met at the luxury high-rise condo they rent jointly. The condo is for use when a member needs to appear to actually have a high-end, tony residence of his or her own in Washington.

The SCWLTO members agreed to let a reporter attend the meeting, provided that all were given pseudonymous names. No one wants voters back home to know they aren't using their salaries and expense accounts on Washington housing and instead are living in their offices, sleeping on the couch in the waiting room, and banking the money they save.

The only member who agreed to the use of his name was John Hostettler, a Republican from Indiana's eighth district, who happens to be SCWLTO's chairman. He was outed as a congressman who lives in his office last April when airport screeners in Lousiville found a loaded Glock 9mm handgun in his briefcase as he was about to board a flight to Washington after a weekend at home in his district. It came out in the course of the Glock kerfuffle that Hostettler commutes home every weekend and has no actual residence in Washington during the week.

Congressman "Bob," who comes from a Midwestern state with a large river running through it, harangued those members who are behind in their monthly payments for their share of the luxury condo rent. He read out a total of 11 names, some of whom are six months behind.

"You don't want the landlord to evict us, since the press might get wind of us," he warned the members. The miscreants promised they would cough up the money just as soon as they get a constituent to contribute to their Political Action Committee.

Congresswoman "Zeta," who comes from "somewhere out there," told the group that on the morning after she used the apartment on her day in the rotation she found a used condom under the bed in the master bedroom. She demanded to know why a used condom was under the bed when "every single member of this group is married and has a spouse or significant other back home in their district?"

No one answered, but several SCWLTO members countered by asking Zeta why she was looking under the bed in the first place.

"I dropped an earring as I was getting dressed," she said.

Congressman Edward from "the east coast" complained about never being able to find the remote control for the television in the living room. He said he had invited several important constituents to a cocktail party at which he planned to show them a DVD.

"They were very puzzled that it took me so long to find the remote in my own home," he said.

A lengthy discussion ensued about where to keep the remote control, but no consensus was reached and the matter was tabled.

Another female member, Jo-Jo from "out west," complained that when she uses the apartment in the middle of the day, she frequently finds the cap off the toothpaste tube in the master bedroom bathroom, a behavior that "is beyond the pale for an elected member of the Congress of the United States of America."

A couple of male members acidly chastised her for "trying to be our Mommy," and that led to several members talking at once and one even shouting an obscenity. Chairman Hostettler restored order by rapping the butt of his Glock on the coffee table.

That caused several members to wince, and one attempted to dive under the couch.

"Don't worry," Hostettler said. "I have the safety on."

The meeting broke up a few minutes before the vice presidential debate began, and all the members gathered around the living room television to watch. A frantic search ensued to locate the remote control. It was found on the top shelf of the kitchen pantry with 30 seconds to spare.

Copyright 2003-2004 William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions
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