November 15, 2004

A New, Sanitized Dick Cheney to Be Unveiled Soon

Vice President Seeks to Cement His Place in History

Secure for four more years and seeking to burnish his image for future historians, a New Dick Cheney will be unveiled in the next few weeks. After extensive post-election polling, numerous sessions with bi-partisan focus groups, and several intense dinners with Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich, the vice president and his staff have drawn up new guidlines for his behavior.

-- No more talking out of the side of his mouth.

-- Crack 2.5 jokes per public appearance in which the press is present and/or a transscript will be published.

-- Wring his hands only if his fungus is acting up.

--Cease going on hunting outings or trips to gun and sporting goods stores, or in general hanging out with Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia unless both are wearing disguises and are certain not to be spotted by the press or Democratic party watchdogs.

-- Agree to attend a publisher's luncheon at The New York Times, tour the newsroom and shake hands with reporters and editors, sign autographs for news clerks and secretaries, and let Times reporters back on his airplane when the press is taken along on a trip.

--Appear on David Letterman and pretend to have a good time helping Dave read the Cheney Top Ten List.

-- Admit late on a Friday afternoon before a three-day holiday weekend that Saddam Hussien did not have any weapons of mass destruction.

-- Whenever he enters the Capitol, go out of his way to greet Democrats, shake their hands, and tell them he thinks they are nice people, though misguided in their perceptions of reality.

-- Limit to twice a week outbursts in which during a fit of pique he tells someone to perform a sexaully explicit anatomically impossible act. (Does not apply to anyone who was born in or resides in California or any New England state.)

--Appear on Celebrity Jeopardy and deliberately lose, even though he knows all the answers because they were slipped to him by the CIA.

-- Try to improve his spotty attendance record at the secret underground bunker somewhere outside Washington where the Shadow Government he heads toils each day to be ready to tale over in case of terrorist attack.

Copyright 2003-2004 William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions
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