November 19, 2004

Teen in Assault Rifle Standoff over Jude Law Sexiest Honor

Devastated When She Learns Law Replaced Johnny Depp

Instead of finishing her homework yesterday morning before the school bus pulled up, Babby Jo Wilson, 14, went online to her favorite Johnny Depp chat room and learned the awful truth. Jude Law had replaced Depp as People Magazine's "the sexiest man alive."

She let out a blood-curdling wail of despair, then raced down the stairs to the family room. While her mother Gerry Sue stood frozen watching, Babby Jo yanked open the door of her father's gun cabinet, took out his assault rifle, grabbed a loaded magazine, and scurried back up the stairs. She locked herself in her bedroom.

When her mother knocked on the door and asked what was wrong, Babby Jo announced that she wasn't coming out until People Magazine restored Depp to his rightful place as sexiest man. If they didn't, she said, "something bad might happen."

Ordinarily, if a pubescent tenn-age daughter locks herself in her room and says she won't come out until some outlandish demand is met, smart parents intervene sooner rather than later, even if it means forcing the door open.

However, if the child has an assault rifle and, while listening through the door you can hear her incessantly inserting and removing the rifle's magazine, you tend to tread somewhat more gingerly. So Gerry Sue tried cajoling. Then she tried reasoning. ("Johnny doesn't even know you exist, Honey.") Then she tried demanding. ("Babby Jo, you come out right now!")

All to now avail.

Next, the neighbors somehow found about the crisis at the Wilson's. Maybe one of Babby Jo's little brothers blabbed to someone over the side yard fence. But three police squad cars screeched to a halt in the street and six officers took up hostage crisis positions. The swat team in its armored vehicle appeared a few minutes later.

Everyone settled into the routine of "armed standoff, no hostage."

But by 10 a.m., the swat team wanted to bring the matter to an end so they could get back to the poker game at the station house. There was talk of storming Babby Jo's bedroom. Gerry Sue was against this, of course, since the rugs would doubtlessly get muddied and some furniture and even doors might be broken. Not to mention that her daughter might be shot to death.

Desperate for a solution, Gerry Sue had one of those brilliant inspirations that motherhood occasionally produces. She rummaged around on the family room coffee table, found an old issue of People Magazine, and called a telephone number she located inside.

As luck would have it, she dialed the only number at the editorial offices of People Magazine which is actually answered by a human being. Everyone else on the staff hides behind voice mail. She poured out her story to the woman on the other end of the line, who promised she would get someone to call back right away.

Next thing Gerry Sue knew, Melinda Cartright, deputy editor of the Sexiest Man Alive Department, was on the phone. Gerry Sue placed the portable phone outside Babby Jo's door, told her People Magazine was on the phone, and returned downstairs. Babby Jo opened the door a crack, scooped up the phone, and entered into a 30-minute conversation with Cartright.

Gerry Sue would later report that she knew the crisis was about to end when she heard peals of laughter coming from her daughter's room. Not long after that, Babby Jo appeared at the top of the stairs, the assault rifle in one hand and the magazine in the other. She laid them on the floor and rushed into her mother's arms.

Later, after the team from Child Protective Services had departed and the Police Department's juvenile officers and a representative of the district attorney's office had decided no charges would be filed, Gerry Sue called Melinda Cartright at People Magazine and asked her how she had persuaded Babby Jo to end the standoff.

"Melinda told me that every year when they do the sexiest man selection, they get all these photos from nude shoots of the candidates," Gerry Sue explained. "So Melinda got out the Johnny Depp and Jude Law nude photos and laid them out side my side. She then began to describe over the phone, apparently in rather graphic detail, why she thought Jude Law was far sexier than Johnny Depp."

All that remained after that was for Cartright to assure Babby Jo that Jude Law had a chat room. She logged on from her bedroom, obtained a password, posted a quick, breathless "Hi Everybody," and then laid down the gun and rushed into her mother's arms.

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