December 1, 2004

To Stay out of Jail, This Reporter Will Talk to the Grand Jury

Demonstrating the Fine Art of Leaking to Principled Journalists

Listen, I don't want to go to jail, not even to a Club Fed. I'll talk to the grand jury. Who cares about journalistic ethics? Not me.

You want to know who told me that Valerie Plame was a spook? O.K. It was Dubya, pure and simple. George W. Bush told me that Ambassador Wilson's wife was an undercover CIA agent. Yes, the president of the United States outed one of his own spies.

Did he do it to get even with Joe Wilson for debunking intelligence claims being made about Iraq and weapons of mass destruction? I don't know. I didn't think to ask at the time.

But here's how it all went down.

I was sitting at my desk playing Doom -- The Final Chapter and waiting for a confidential source to call so that I would have something to write about that day. Sure enough, the phone rings and there's this chirpy female voice on the line.

She identified herself as the assistant to someone somewhere in the government that I hadn't heard of. I think his name was Sylvester Farnsworth, or something like that. Sometimes I don't keep very good notes. Maybe it was Chatsworth.

"If I were to tell you that Mr. Farnsworth could tell you that Ambassador Wilson's wife is an undercover CIA agent, would that be something you would be interested in?" she asked straight out.

"Sure," I said, searching my memory bank for some clue as to who the hell Ambassador Wilson might be. "Are you telling me that?"

"No, of course not," she said. "I'm not authorized to say such things. I'm merely exploring you interest in hearing such a thing."

"Sure," I said. "Whatever."

So a few minutes later, this guy calls. "Are you Mr. Farnsworth?" I asked.

"I'm not authorized to say, at this point in time," he said. "Maybe some other time. I'm calling to find out whether you would be interested if a very senior member of the Administration were to tell you that Ambassador Wilson's wife is an undercover CIA agent and the only reason her husband got the job of going to Niger to look into claims about uranium sales to Iraq is because his wife pulled some strings at the CIA."

"Are you telling me that?" I asked.

"Oh no, of course not. I would never say such a thing, even if I were authorized to do so, which I most certainly am not. I'm merely exploring your interest in hearing such a thing."

"I'm interested," I said. He hung up without saying goodbye, a hallmark of this Administration. Their mothers didn't teach them telephone manners.

A few minutes later, the phone rang. "I can't tell you who I am," the voice said, "but I can assure you that I am a very senior official in the Administration. I'm calling to ask if a very, very high senior official, even higher than me, were to call and tell you that Valerie Plame Wilson got her husband the former ambassador the assignment to go to Niger because they're building an addition onto their house and they need the extra income, would you want to hear that?."

"Sure I would. Are you telling me that?"

"Oh no, I would never say such a thing even if I were authorized to do so, which I'm not. Any information about needing money to pay for an addition to the ambassador's house might be an invasion of privacy and this Administration is very much against such things. I'm merely calling to explore your interest in hearing such a thing."

"Im interested," I said.

By the time he hung up, I was convinced it was Karl Rove, the president's chief political flunky. I've never met the guy, but I've seen him on the Sunday morning talking heads programs on television. The voice sounded a lot like him.

A few minutes later, the phone rang. It as Dubya. There's no mistaking that voice.

"I'm told that you have been making inquiries suggesting that Ambassador Wilson's wife is a CIA agent and that her husband got the cushy job to take a vacation in Niger because she recommended him."

"Well sir," I replied, "I wasn't asking such questions but people seemed to be wanting me to--"

He cut me off. "No one in this Administration is authorized to say these things. Don't you know that it's a federal crime to reveal the identity of a CIA agent?"

"Yes sir, I think--"

"All I can say is that if you print these things, no one in this Administration was authorized to say them. You print them at your own risk, because no one in this administration would say such things."

He hung up.

So I wrote the story, citing unnamed "Administration sources." When my editors said they wouldn't print it unless I told them who the source was, I told them it was the president himself. They said the paper had never authorized me to talk to the president, which was a serious breach of newsroom protocol. Because of this, the president was not deemed a reliable source.

The next thing I knew, they spiked the story, pulled me off the national security beat, and sent me to the Metro Desk to cover night cops.

Like I say, I'll talk to the grand jury, even if no one ele will. I don't want to go to jail, not even a Club Fed.

Copyright 2003-2004 William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions
All Rights Reserved
satire | humor | comedy | parody| satirical headlines