November 4, 2004

Pop Music Divas in Catfight over Ancient Rome Cosmetic

Madonna, Britney, and Jessica Want Roman Goddess Cream

A troika of pop culture divas is engaged in a nasty cat fight over who gets the rights to develop a new face cream based on a second century AD tin of cosmetic unearthed at the site of a Roman temple.

Madonna, Britney Spears, and Jessica Simpson all want to reproduce the cream, found under ancient wooden planks and sandwiched between layers of mud in a waterlogged ditch at an excavation site in London. Ancient Romans had a presence in the British Isles and Roman era ruins are found in numerous places across Great Britain.

Lawyers, business agents, factotums, and hangers-on are engaged in the struggle to obtain exclusive rights to the cosmetic. They all want to analyze its components and create a modern version that can be mass marketed under the pop star's name.

"This could be big, really, really big," said a business advisor for Britiney Spears and her mother, who asked not be identified. "It's a natural to name it Roman Goddess Facial Cream. The market will be huge because everyone knows that Roman women were beautiful and particularly their goddesses, beautiful just like Britney," he said.

Business advisors to Madonna and Jessica Simpson and her father expressed similar views.

"Who should get access comes down who would best show it off, who is most beautiful," said a member of the Jessica Simpson camp. "The answer is Jessica, hands down."

The cosmetic was found tin pot about 2 X 2 inches in size. Scientists said it appeared to be about 40 percent animal fat, 40 percent starch and the balance tin oxide, which would make the cream white in color and opaque. The tin is thought to be the only intact example of the cream ever found in such good condition.

Veteran observers of such business struggles between pop music stars speculated that Madonna would likely triumph in the quest to create a modern version of the cream.

"Madonna is the best businesswoman out there and she is mostly likely to outflank the others," said Larry Layton of the weekly magazine Entertainment Right Now. "She's not above convincing whoever needs convincing in London that she should get it because she's the oldest and personally has the most need for it. She's looking a little worn, if you haven't noticed."

Dr. William Priestly, a chemist at the California Institute of Technology who specializes in cosmetics chemistry, expressed puzzlement over the scramble to reproduce the cream.

"Someone needs to point out to them that tin oxide is a close relative of zinc oxide," he said. "We all know that zinc oxide is not likely to make a woman more beautiful if she covers her face with it. She won't have to worry about sunburn, but guys aren't going to be lined up to meet her."

Britney's spokesman scoffed at such concerns. "We know that. We'll come up with something based on it, you know, loosely based on it. We're after the name Roman Goddess and the link to ancient Rome's stylish past. We want to hark back to an age when men worshipped women for their Goddess like beauty. That's what Britney is all about. Worship. Worship of Britney."

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