September 17, 2004, 2004

Clinton Wearing Heart Monitor that Reports Sexual Arousal

Hillary Monitoring Signals to Assure a Smooth Post-Op Recovery

At Hillary Clinton's insistence, doctors at New York's Columbia Presbyterian Hospital have fitted former President Bill Clinton with an electronic device that can detect any sexual arousal and pinpoint his location using satellite technology.

The unusual move, believed to be the first involving a former president, is apparently aimed at preventing Clinton from engaging in any kind of unapproved sexual activity while he is recovering from his quadruple heart bypass surgery.

Medical sources at the hospital described the device and Clinton's use of it only on condition they not be identified, lest they run afoul of the Federal government's HIPPA laws that govern patient confidentiality.

A hospital source with knowledge of the matter described Mrs. Clinton as "very insistent" that her husband wear the device from the moment he left the hospital. He apparently resisted at first.

She was quoted as saying, "The last thing I need is for Bill to drop dead from the wrong kind of physical exertion at this point. Enough is enough. We need his income."

After Clinton's blocked arteries were discovered when he complained of shortness of breath, the former president said he was lucky he didn't have a serious heart attack that could have been fatal.

Two competing technologies are used to monitor sexual arousal and transmit the information and the user's location via satellite links. In one, an electrode equipped with gyroscopic motion sensors is strapped to the penis and reports any untoward movement of the organ. The other approach involves constant monitoring of hormone levels in the blood via an implant in a blood vessel.

The person receiving the data feed from the satellite can monitor it on a laptop computer or a PDA. Some cell phones can also be programmed to regularly assess the data feed and report on the sexual status of the person being monitored.

The system that monitors the patient via a blood vessel can also be programmed to deliver an electric shock to the patient if the level of sexual arousal measured goes out of bounds.

"This technology has had a remarkable effect on reducing bypass patients' post-operative troubles brought on my too much sex too soon," said a Columbia Presbyterian staff member familiar with the technology. "If they get a little too randy too soon, the bell rings and everyone comes down on them."

Told about the monitoring system, Harold Blumgarten, an author writing an unauthorized Clinton biography, shook his head in wonder.

"Imagine how the second Clinton Administration might have been different if this technology had existed then and Hillary had made him wear it," Blumgarten said.

Copyright 2003-2004 William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions
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