September 10, 2004

Cat Owners Angry over Exclusion from Thumbs Program

Bush Suspicious of Letting Cats Have Both Claws and Thumbs

Cat lovers and their cats are fuming because of the Bush Administration's decision to exclude felines from the new Federal program to give dogs opposable thumbs.

When it announced the new canine program last week, the White House quietly let it be known that cats would be excluded. The reason, aides explained off the record, is because President Bush and some of his advisors believe cats are excessively indolent. Equipping them with opposable thumbs could create a new welfare class that would become a drain on American society.

"Outrage is too tame a word to express how I feel about this," said Peggy Stafford, a Denver homemaker who has three cats. "My cats, most cats, in fact, are far from lazy. Giving my cats thumbs would be a big help around the house. Has anybody in Washington ever bothered to notice how much dogs sleep? Hounds, for example? Indolence personified is a coon hound."

A White House spokesperson said the Administration was aware of cat owners' concerns. He declined to say precisely how many phone calls and e-mails in protest had been received. "A lot," was all he would say.

Some political analysts who closely follow Bush Administration policies on household pets said they are hearing that the concern isn't so much indolent felines as it is conniving and even rebellious felines who might put their opposable thumbs to socially inappropriate uses.

"The President has gotten some nasty scratches from cats in the past and he's basically suspicious about what bad things cats might do with the combination of thumbs and claws," said one analyst who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "He feels dogs are trustworthy and loyal and brave and deserve thumbs."

A White House spokesman declined to comment on reports that a classified research study paints a grim picture of what a cat with both sharp claws and thumbs could do to the upholstery of a couch.

Cats Now!, an advocacy group based in Pipersville, Pennsylvania, said it was contacting other feline groups about mounting a march on Washington and a rally on the National Mall.

"We're hearing that most cats are very willing to mass in Washington. They're very activist oriented," said Loretta Gleason, an animal communicator who makes the Cats Now! members' wishes known to humans. "I think the big problem will be transportation to Washington. How many cat owners feel strongly enough to take a day or two off and drive a car full of yowling cats to Washington, not to mention having to stay overnight with them in the kind of hotel or motel willing to take cats?"

The cost of offering opposable thumbs to dogs could top $5 billion over the next five years, according to several Federal budget watchdog groups. Thumb implants would be paid for through a combination of tax credits and outright grants to dog owners.

"Thumbs for dogs? It's insane, an election year sop," said Jacob Edelstein, executive director of the liberal-leaning Union of Concerned Taxpayers. "Even more insane is thumbs for cats. They get into enough mischief as it is without giving them thumbs."

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