October 11, 2004

Bush Explains the Bulge under His Coat during the Debate

If Pundits Are Looking for a Wire, Check out Kerry's Hair

I want to clear up some of this stuff going around about how I was wired at the debate and that bulge under my coat. Enough is enough, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, there was a bulge. But it's ridiculous to jump in and say I was wired. You want to know what that bulge was? That's where I keep my tin of Copenhagen. That's right. I have a little chew now and then. Just try to find a compassionate conservative Texan who doesn't use a little chew now and then. Goes with the turf.

Why do I keep it back there? Well, I don't want the bulge to show in a front pocket of my pants. People'd really talk about that. And if you put the Copenhagen in a back pocket, well, you know how it can wear a hole. One of those little cans isn't the best feelin' thing to sit on.

There's another reason I keep the can way up high like that in a special pocket that the tailor built in. It makes it hard to get to the chew. I like to have that nicotine sometimes to settle my nerves. But I don't want to get too dependent on it, if you know what I mean. So I put it back there where it's hard to get to. Have to completely take your coat off to get at the chew. Cuts down on my use. Really does. Good for me. Good for the country. Good for the world, too, come to think about it.

So enough about the bulge in the middle of my back. Give it a rest!

Now, about being wired. What's the big deal if you're wired up and some of your people are talking to you? What's this uproar?

If I'm sitting in the Oval Office, there's a constant stream of people coming through givin' me advice, tellin' me what to say. Even when I'm sitting there with a foreign leader, they're whisperin' in my ear. I find it real helpful. Gives me a wider choice of what to say. Good for me. Good for the country. Good for the world.

Same thing in a debate. Why shouldn't I have the best thinking of my people in real time? Why shouldn't the voters see me in a true to life situation, where my people are offering their opinions about what's goin' on and what's the best thing to say at the moment? It's the same as what would be going on in the Oval Office or at a summit of world leaders.

It just plain makes sense. Voters watching a debate have a right to see me as I really am. If that means what I'm saying at any moment reflects not only what I think, but the best thinking of the experts I keep around me, the people deserve to see that. It's the least I can do to help them decide to vote for me. With me, what they see is what they get. How many times do I have to say that?

If you want to get in an uproar about somebody being wired during a debate, I say you ought to look in my opponent's hair. Can't recall his name just now. But look in his hair for a bulge. Might be surprised what you find.

Copyright 2003-2004 William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions
All Rights Reserved
satire | humor | comedy | parody| satirical headlines