September 14, 2004

Hail of Bullets at Junk Cars Celebrates Assault Rifles

Man Breaks into Junk Yard, Unleashes 1,000 Rounds

In an apparent celebration of the expiration of the Federal assault rifle ban, an unidentified California man purchased an assault rifle and 1,000 rounds of ammunition shortly after midnight this morning. Then at first light he unleashed 15 minutes of withering high-caliber fire at automobile hulks in a junk yard.

No one was injured in the incident in West Covina, California, a densely populated Los Angeles suburb. Police investigating the incident said they had made no arrests, but had some promising leads.

"It sounded like a war," said Eduardo Sanchez who lives next door to the junk yard. "I thought maybe we were in Iraq and the Marines were beating the crap out of the terrorists. I made the whole family get down on the floor until it was over."

The assault rifle was purchased at Rod's E-Z Credit Guns, which stayed open all night to cater to assualt rifle afficionados in the first hours after the ban ended. The gun store is located just a block from the junk yard, which is filled with an estimated 500 automobiles.

"I think I know which customer it was," said a clerk at Rod's, who declined to give his name. "He was waiting for the clock to tick past midnight. He bought the rifle and 1,000 rounds of ammunition."

The clerk declined to say what kind of gun was purchased, but confirmed that the gun was one of those that uses a drum type magazine to hold the cartridges. Depending on the rifle, some drums hold several hundred cartridges.

"I asked him if he wanted to buy a drum or two and he just said that he already had several drums," the clerk said. "I guess he'd been sitting on them waiting for his chance to buy the gun."

The clerk said the gun and a couple of drums would be enough to fire off 1,000 rounds of ammunition in 15 minutes. He said the gun shop staff heard the shooting begin at dawn nearby, not long after the man left the store.

"I guess he loaded the drum magazines with his cartridges and got through the junk yard gate and let fly," the clerk said. "Good for him. That'll show the bastards."

He declined to elaborate, but instead smiled benignly.

Police said the junk car assailant used bolt cutters to break a chain on the junk yard's gate. They said they recovered "close to a thousand" spent shell casings at a point in the center of the junk yard where the assailant stood and relentlessly sprayed cars while he turned in a circle.

"A couple of cars he just cut to shreds. It doesn't make you feel very safe if you're in law enforcement," said Capt. Frank Shivers of the West Covina police force.

Employees at Rod's E-Z Credit Guns said the man, who was in his thirties, passed a background check, conducted a few days earlier in anticipation of the expiration of the assault rifle ban.

"He passed the background check. He paid cash. He knew exactly what he wanted. Everything was by the book," a clerk said. "Thank God for the Second Amendment. Or is it the Third? I get them confused."

Copyright 2003-2004 William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions
All Rights Reserved
satire | humor | comedy | parody| satirical headlines