September 1, 2004

Bush to Propose Equipping Dogs with Opposable Thumbs

Hopes to Appeal to Undecided Voters Who Own Dogs

The Bush Administration is on the verge of announcing an unusual family friendly government program it believes could convince undecided voters to re-elect the president. Using cash stipends and tax breaks, middle class American families who own dogs would be able to equip their canines with opposable thumbs.

The president could announce the ambitious program as early as this week when he makes his acceptance speech at the Republican Convention in New York City. Or he might wait until next week when a campaign swing takes him to Dogtown, Ohio.

"For some time the President has wondered what he could do for middle class Americans that could help them the most, and he eventually decided opposable thumbs for family dogs was the answer," said a White House staff member who spoke on the condition he not be identified.

By some estimates, 40 million American households own at least one dog. Canine census experts say that little data exists to determine if a dog-owning household is more likely to be Republican or Democrat.

Opposable thumbs are one of the evolutionary attributes that pushed primates, including humans, to the upper echelons of the animal kingdom. They make it possible for an animal to grasp things. Thumbs made it possible for humans to develop and use ever more sophisticated tools.

Dog owners, as well as dogs themselves, have long lamented the lack of opposable thumbs on their front feet and fantasized about what they could accomplish if they had them.

Administration officials with knowledge of the program said no reliable estimates of its cost are available yet, though one Bush campaign aide speculated it "probably wouldn't cost more than the Medicare prescription drug benefit for older Americans."

Dog owners who pay for the opposable thumb implant procedure at one of the specialty clinics that can perform the complicated surgery often shell out as much as $5,000 per foot. Because of the cost, some owners elect to equip only one of their dog's front legs with the titanium and Kevlar device.

"It was a real breakthrough for Elsie when she got her two thumbs," said Elaine Everts of Amarillo, Texas. Elsie is a German Shepherd.The Everts family was an early adoptor of the technology when it became available late last year.

When President Bush was at his Texas ranch in July, the Everts drove Elsie to the ranch so Bush could examine her thumbs and see a demonstration of what the dog could do.

"She can open the door to go out to the bathroom," Everts said. "She opens the refrigerator door and prepares her own meals. I've begun teaching her to run the vacuum cleaner. She loves to dust the furniture. She's a regular little maid around the house."

Another Bush staff member said the president and his advisors also looked at the possibility of extending the program to cats. But after some study, they concluded that cats are basically lazy and that giving them opposable thumbs would merely encourage the rise of an additional welfare class in American society.

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