Copyright Pledge Drive Celsius Blog Newsletter Links
August 4, 2004

Tom Ridge Hailed as Top Intelligence Analyst

Travelers Say They Feel Safer if They Go Where Tom Goes

Where is Tom Ridge today and how long will he be there?

More and more, travel agents and others in the hospitality industry are asking themselves that question each day. There's even a web site that the industry uses to track the movements of the Secretary of Homeland Security.

Why? Two reasons, says Wendy Morningstar, who runs the travel industry's web site, www.WhereIsTomToday.org.

"First, we're all sure that he knows what's going on with terrorists and terrorism, that he has good, reliable information and that he and his staff know how to analyze it. If anybody is going to know what the terrorists are up to, it's him," she said.

"Second, you can bet that wherever the terrorists are or wherever there is a high probability they might be planning a hit, he won't be there. That's just common sense. Who wants to be where they might be?"

As a result, travel agents, tour guides, day trippers planning an outing to New York City, Washington, Los Angeles, Atlantic City or other major tourist attractions and families planning their summer vacations all try to learn Ridge's travel plans.

"Yeah, you can bet I want to be where he is," said Robert Etsitty, as he and his family took a break yesterday at a rest stop on the Pennsylvania Turnpike south of Pittsburgh. "Last week when we heard on the news that Ridge was going to be in the Hershey area the next day to do a little campaigning for Bush, we said, 'Yeah, let's head for Hershey Park. That means it'll be safe.'"

Etsitty said as soon as he reached a computer he would look up Ridge's itinerary for the rest of the week. "With this scare about terrorists wanting to attack Washington and New York, I want to know where he's going to be. I've got to go to New York for a day, but I want it to be a day when he'll be in the New York area. I'll feel a lot safer."

Ridge, who was the governor of Pennsylvania until President Bush tapped him for the homeland security job after the 9/11 attacks, appears to be the only senior government official who is tracked on a daily basis by people wanting to gauge their personal safety.

"Nobody cares about where Bush and Kerry are going to be on any given day," said Morningstar. "I think they figure Bush and Kerry are each so desperate to be elected that they'll go anywhere there might be an undecided voter. I'll bet you'll even see Bush in Iraq in the next few weeks trying to get whatever votes there he can."

She said George Tenet, who in July stepped down as head of the Central Intelligence Agency, was of little interest because of the widespread belief that, unlike Ridge, Tenet had little knowledge of what terrorists are planning. Likewise, Robert Mueller, director of the FBI, is seen as having little information useful to members of the public trying to plan trips and avoid terrorists.

Morningstar declined to discuss how WhereIsTomToday.org obtains its information on Ridge's travel plans.

"We have a variety of sources both inside and outside the government," she said. "You'd be surprised what you can find out about Ridge's travel plans just by prowling the Government's web sites." She claims a 75 percent success rate for predicting the secretary's movements in the next five to seven days.

Morningstar said WhereIsTomToday.org has been besieged in recent weeks with requests for Ridge's summer vacation plans. "It's beginning to look like he won't take one. Apparently, he wants to spend full time staying on top of analyzing all the latest data on terrorist plans," she said. "I think he sees himself as the man of the hour."

Copyright 2003-2004 William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions
All Rights Reserved
satire | humor | comedy | parody| satirical headlines

 

Recent Satire
and Humor

Satirium Corrects,
Regrets Errors

How to Describe
Wolfowitz's Friend

Heart Buster Burger
Exits Hospital Menu

New Name for Hoe Is
not a Simple Matter

Cheney Clueless on
Smithsonian Position

Hoe Manufacturers
Ponder Name Change

Paramedics Summoned
When Plumber Sings

Nagging Wife Club
Big Hit with Men

Satirium Searches for
Humor at Guantanamo

Inventor Plans Memory
Pill for Officials

Internet Satirists Want
Rumsfeld to Return

My Dogs and I Received
National Security Letters

Opera Loving Carpenter
Fights Philistines

Helicopter Parents
Are Seen Everywhere

Powerful Lobby Now
Backs Iraq War

Frantic Wife Copes with
eBay Addict Husband

Seeking Healing with
Iraq War Holiday

I Won the Lottery and
My Life Is a Mess

NPR Corrects Shop
Class Sex Story

Curmudgeon Drug
Hailed
as Medical Miracle

Neil Diamond Admits
'Brang' Is not a Word

Ghosts Prefer Alfalfa,
Homeless Want Cash

Why Spending $1 Billion
on Election No Big Deal

How to Have Some
Fun at Home Depot

Bush Court Stamps
Chimp Studies Secret

Romney May Change
First Name to 'Mutt'

Satirium Ignores
Britney's Bald Head

Lawyers Troll for
Overworked Housewives

Urgent Questions for
Barack Obama

Plan For a Great
Valentine's Day 2008

Today's Photo
President Bush explains why he doesn't plan to watch Bill Moyers' stinging PBS documentary about the selling of the Iraq War.
Help Us with the Bush
Baldies Project
Banned in China