August 20, 2004

Americans Against Everything Now Approve Some Things

Historic Change Offers a Ray of Hope to Several Groups

Americans Against Everything, the Washington-based think tank that is famed for opposing everything from apple pie to zoological gardens, broke with its longstanding policies this week and issued a list of things it now approves.

"After a thorough study and considerable debate about our mission, the Board of Directors decided that there are several things in modern American life that are now worthy of our approval," a statement issued by AAE said.

"While releasing this list is a marked departure from our long held policies, we want to assure those who have supported our informed and principled stands in the past that we don't anticipate adding to this list at any time in the near future. However, we do leave open the possibility that we might add to the list at some point later than the near future."

Here's the list of activities AAE now approves:

Shriners riding tiny motorcycles in parades

Police eating doughnuts while on duty

Describing William Shakespeare with the word "bard"

Screaming outside TV studios during talk show broadcasts

Use of the phrase "paradigm shift" on billboards

Toll booth collectors who pretend to be happy as you pass

Using condoms instead of balloons in fraternity water fights

Permitting dogs on leashes to urinate in public

Paying homeowner property taxes with truckloads of pennies

Renting post office boxes to kangaroos with valid passports

Selling French wine that costs less than $6 a bottle

Pretending to agree with editorials in The New York Times

Believing Arnold Schwarzenegger knows what he's doing

Pro football players pattng one another on the rear end

Rap music when the sound level is less than 100 decibels

 

 Americans Against Everything said it continues to disapprove of everything else.

 

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