Dubya's Gun Shop Keg Party or Nancy Pelosi's Survey?

Or, a Third Choice: Baseball on Giant Screen TV at Joey's Tavern

The mail just came, more election stuff. How do they find me?

Jerry Heller -- he's the Heller has that gun shop over in Pikeville -- wants me to come to a party for Bush. The invitation doesn't make it real clear, but I don't think Bush himself will be there. Some Republican hack from over at Douglasville will probably come instead.

Now the Democrats -- Oh Lordy, the Democrats -- they're in the mail, too. None other than Nancy Pelosi writing to me by name, on the envelope and inside. She knows a lot about me, too much, really, judging from those personal messages. Where does she get off being so intimate? She seems to have missed that I'm an alien just off a flying saucer. Ha! Only kidding!

Haven't seen Jerry Heller in years. We were in high school together. He was a gun nut even then, him and his daddy and brothers. Big hunters. Jerry learned taxidermy. Took a correspondence course. Eventually turned up in Pikeville with a gun store in front and taxidermy in the back. Last time I was in there, he had everything. Machine guns to cute little derringers the wife could tuck in her purse. Whole place had a stuffed animal smell to it.

Nancy Pelosi. No, didn't go to high school with her. From California, I think. Seen her on television. Seems like a nice lady. Bit of a ranter, though. Really gives old Bush holy Hell. Not that he doesn't deserve it a lot of the time. I guess she's a lawyer. Most of 'em are. Pelosi. Is that Italian? Isn't she to the Democrats what Newt Gingrich was to the Republicans? One of those television airheads should ask her that question sometime.

Now about these mailings. Let me tell you.

Jerry Heller's party invitation is real simple. A single piece of typing paper. Invitation printed on one side, then folded in thirds and closed with colored sticky tabs that are real easy to open. On the outside, no return address, just a mailing label to me -- name, address, zip code -- and a 37-cent stamp somebody stuck on by hand. Seems to me Jerry himself printed it with his computer printer. It's got all I need to know. Heller's Party for the President. At Heller's Gun and Taxidermy Shop. The host is Jerry Heller. RSVP. Probably need to know how many kegs to order.

Nancy Pelosi's package is a survey about campaign issues. Fill it out and send it back to Washington to the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, whatever that is. I suppose the Democrats want to find out what the Little People think. Ha! That'll be the day. The survey strikes me as a clever pitch for money. You can send the survey back, but what they really want is a credit card number or a check.

Went through the survey very carefully. Not a single mention of Ol' Kerry or Mr. Smiley. Maybe that's for legal reasons.

As to the questions on the survey: What you won't find is a question asking if I plan to vote for Bush or Kerry. Most of the other questions are pretty slanted, if you want my expert opinion. Do I think the Republicans in Congress are committed to improving public schools? Yes? No? Undecided? And then, which political party do I trust most when it comes to education. Democrats? Republicans? What's missing is a question that directly asks, Do I think Democrats in Congress are committed to improving public schools?

Sigh! It all gives me a headache, these oportunities arriving in the mail.

I can go hang out with the Republican gun nuts and see if I can spot the members of the secret militia, or

I can send the Democrats in Congress some money and fill out their survey that no one will pay any attention to.

The nice thing about a democracy, or at least this democracy, is that I can ignore it all and head over to Joey's Tavern. I'll get a beer, sit in a dark booth in the back and watch baseball on the giant screen TV. Who's playing today?

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