August 25, 2004

Device that Turns Edwards Smile On and Off Is Missing

Kerry Campaign Needs It to Turn Smile off for an Attack Speech

Kerry Campaign operatives are urgently searching for the electronic controller that switches John Edwards smile on and off. They don't know whether the device, which looks like a television remote control, has simply been misplaced or, worse, stolen.

Campaign strategists want the vice presidential candidate to become more confrontational and even harsh in his criticisms of President Bush and Vice President Cheney in coming days. But such criticisms don't work in Edwards case unless the North Carolina senator's relentless, mile-wide smile can be switched off and replaced, at a minimum, with a frown. And that can only be accomplished with the electronic controller.

"The problem is that the default setting for Edwards is with the smile on," said a Kerry campaign aide, who asked not to be identified, lest his father find out he has become a Democrat. "If you want Edwards to frown or scowl or particularly if you want a snarl, you have to have the controller," he said.

Absent any commands from the controller, Edwards will automatically be reset to "smile" 15 minutes after the last command.

Pundits have criticized Edwards recently for not fully playing the traditional role of a vice presidential candidate, that is, to mercilessly attack the opposition, leaving the presidential candidate free to appear to be above the nasty part of the political fray.

Political scholars say that Vice President Dick Cheney played the role masterfully in the 2000 presidential campaign, growling and snarling from one end of the country to the other. This left President Bush free to be a glad-handing, joking good ol' boy who would never stoop low enough to really throw dirt at the other side.

The search for the Edwards controller has sent Kerry campaign staffers backtracking through recent campaign appearances. They are looking under seat cushions in chartered airplanes and rented buses and limousines. They've gone back to hotel rooms and even pawed through dumpsters behind restaurants and factories where Edwards made campaign stops.

"We know we had the controller last week in Cincinnati because we used it to switch the Senator to the "scowl" setting before a speech," the campaign aide said. The scowl was needed because Edwards lit into the Bush campaign and particularly the president over his unwillingness to denounce the swift boat ads attacking Senator Kerry's military service in Vietnam.

"I remember we switched him back to "smile" after the speech ended," the aide said. "That's the last time anyone remembers seeing the controller."

In the next few days leading up to the Republican convention in New York City, the Kerry campaign wants to switch Edwards to "deep frown" on several occasions and to "mild snarl" at least twice. Without the controller, the entire Edwards campaign strategy will have to be revised.

Campaign aides say their biggest fear is that the controller might have been stolen and could fall into Republican hands.

"It has encryption so that not just anyone can use it," the aide said. "But I'm sure the Bush-Cheney people have access to people in the national security agencies who could crack the controller's security code."

The fear, these aides said, is that someone in a crowd might use the controller to suddenly switch Edwards to a smile in the midst of a tirade against Bush or switch him to "deep snarl" as he worked a crowd, kissing babies.

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