Geek Rejected by Dating Service Surrenders after Standoff

Co-Worker Agrees to a Date after Admiring His Dimple

A Silicon Valley software engineer who barricaded himself in his office cubicle after an online dating service rejected his application surrendered today, ending a 36-hour standoff with police, paramedics and office mates.

"I'm O.K., but I could sure use a cheeseburger and some fries," said Walter Oldham, 27, a programmer at Urafrenetics, a Cupertino-based company that makes Internet server control software. "It would be nice to have girl friend, too," he said with a rueful smile that revealed a cute dimple.

The dimple apparently figured in negotiations that ultimately coaxed Oldham to emerge from the cubicle.

"My understanding is that he decided to come out after a group of young women who work at Urafrenetics stood outside his cubicle and told him they liked his dimple," said Capt. Eduardo Gonzalez of the Santa Clara County Sheriff Department. "I'm not sure, but I think that when one of the women agreed to have a date with him, that's what brought him out."

The engineer barricaded the cubicle entrance with a filing cabinet, soft drink machine, office chairs and a full-scale copy of Auguste Rodin's sculpture "The Kiss", which he dragged from Urafrenetics' lobby.

Capt. Gonzalez said it was unlikely that any charges would be filed against Oldham. "We treated it like a suicide watch from the beginning," he said. "The kid never threatened anybody and mostly talked about hurting himself."

Oldham had been despondent in recent months because he couldn't get a date, co-workers at Urafrenetics said. Desperate, he turned to Hot-Hot-Hot.com, an online dating service, which requires new customers to take - and pass -- a personality and emotional fitness test before it collects a $250 enrollment fee and allows access to a database it advertises as "hot-hot babes looking for hot-hot dates"

Co-workers said Oldham failed the test.

Hot-Hot-Hot Productions, based in Colombo, Sri Lanka, declined in an email exchange to discuss whether or not Oldham had taken the test and how the testing system decides whether to pass or fail an applicant.

"We are hot-hot-hot and wish to stay that way," a spokesman said in an email.

"Walt's your typical bi-polar code warrior, flying high one minute and dragging through the depths the next," said a fellow Urafrenetics software engineer who declined to be identified, saying, "I could be next."

"Walt will code for 40 or even 50 hours straight, bingeing all the while on Mountain Dew and potato chips," the engineer said. "So sure, he crashes, big time. On top of that, he has a serious problem with not bathing often enough. Who would want to go out with him?"

Urafrenetics employees declined to identify the female co-worker who coaxed Oldham to come out by telling him she thought his dimple was "cute" and agreeing to go out on a date with him.

"I know who she is, but I'm not going to say," said Oldham's fellow engineer. "I can tell you this. When she gets through with him, Walt will want to throw up another barrier and climb in behind it."

Copyright 2003-2004 William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions
All Rights Reserved
satire | humor | comedy | parody | satirical headlines