August 30, 2004

Cheney Invites Internet Satirists to Ridicule Him

Hopes to Create an Anti-Satire Backlash Vote for Bush Ticket

During the last ten days, Bush campaign staff members have been contacting operators of Internet satire sites and urging them to publish more articles that poke fun at or even ridicule Vice President Dick Cheney.

The request startled Internet satirists, who already make fun of Cheney as often as possible, sometimes even by rote because he is such an easy target.

Speculation about what the Bushies might be up to was rampant until some of the campaign operatives contacting Internet satirists let the real reason slip out.

The Bush campaign now thinks the election will be so close that it wants to generate an anti-satire backlash vote among undecided voters. The Bushies are particularly hopeful that an anti-satire backlash vote would drive young males to the Bush-Cheney camp. That group is believed to make up a preponderance of those who visit Internet satire sites.

"It's clever, very clever. I see Karl Rove's fingerprints all over this one," said Constantine Popopolis, a professor of political science at North Central Cincinnati University. He closely follows the writings of political satirists in all media. "Undecided young males, provided they've bothered to register, of course, are notoriously fickle in their political loyalties. If the Internet satirists pumped out enough Cheney ridicule, it could certainly generate a sympathy vote for Bush-Cheney."

The campaign aides contacting Internet satirists are even going so far as to suggest possible article themes and specific ideas that a satire site might want to adopt when it ridicules Cheney. Most of the themes are sexual in nature, since web traffic studies have shown a huge readership for satirical articles that have a sexual slant.

Breasts, penises, prostitutes, wild bachelor parties, wardrobe malfunctions, penile erectile drugs, group sex, masturbation, and rock groups trashing hotel rooms are among some of the themes the Bush campaign staff members are suggesting.

Among the specific ideas the operatives are proposing are articles saying that:

Lynn Cheney's famous pregnancy that guaranteed her husband would not be drafted during the Vietnam War was an accident, rather than a deliberate draft avoidance strategy. The couple was using the rhythm method of birth control at the time and neither one was that good with numbers.

Cheney has begun to feel remorseful about all the farm-raised pheasants he killed on a hunting trip at a Pennsylvania private game preserve late last year. He will press the next Congress to make it a Federal crime for an individual to kill more than 500 game birds at a private game preserve in a single day.

Cheney plans to go easy on John Edwards, the Democratic vice presidential candidate, during upcoming debates. Though it's a distant memory, Cheney recalls how he was once young and enthusiastic. He doesn't want to spoil the pleasure that Edwards is getting from this stage of his life.

Cheney aides said they are exploring other possible specific satirical article ideas and plan to shop them to Internet satirists in the weeks after the Republican convention.

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