August 6, 2004

 

Leo Strauss Found in University of Chicago Storeroom

Neocons Elated at First, But then the Infighting Began

The recent discovery of the highly embalmed corpse of Leo Strauss -- "very well preserved, rivals Vladimir Lenin in Moscow" -- in a basement storeroom at the University of Chicago's Philosophy Department sent a shock wave of excitement through the ranks of Washington's neoconservatives.

To think that the progenitor of neoconservatism, the intellectual underpinning of the American presidency for much of the last quarter century, was not dust after all, that he was still-- here, still here in a large box and very recognizable, even though he died in 1973. To think that Leo might be moved to spiffier quarters and somehow-- presented, yes, presented so that his disciples could draw near. They could gaze upon him and draw sustenance for their daily battles with the forces of American liberalism that seek to dethrone Strauss, as well as the Straussian acolytes themselves.

To a neocon, it sounded wonderfully inviting, stated so simply.

Then, alas, the infighting started. How, exactly, should this "asset" be put to work in the cultural and political wars that beset our times?

A prominent group of neoconservatives -- all know their names and see them every Sunday morning on the television talk shows -- wanted the embalmed Strauss to be a center piece of the Iraq War Memorial they plan to erect on the Washington Mall. It would be a memorial to Strauss as the intellectual architect of the Iraq War and a memorial to the war itself and the brave sacrifices of Paul Bremer and his staff in the very difficult first year of Iraqi occupation. And the sacrifices of the military, too. Yes, of course, a memorial to our valiant soldiers.

But it would be more, this Strauss Memorial. It would be a memorial to the New American Foreign Policy that is bringing peace, democracy and economic growth to the Middle East and sub Asia and putting an end to the intellectual backwardness that ensnares millions of people who have not been permitted, at least until now, to fully embrace the American ethos. It would be a memorial to the Straussian belief that ancient texts -- and modern thought, too -- exist on two levels, the ostensible meaning that the masses embrace, and the real or secret meaning that the Straussians discover and use, always responsibly, of course, to govern and mould society.

But these lofty notions quickly gave way to the necon realists and their election year mantra: "Twelve More Years!" The realists believe that if America is to be set on a firm neoconservative path and if George W. Bush is to be the FDR of the 21st Century and serve through 2016, then the crucial next step is winning the November election. In effect, the realists tossed a pitcher of ice water in the face of the Strauss Memorial dreamers.

So, the discussion quickly focused on how to use Leo in the election campaign.

One idea was that he should be placed in a tasteful case with a glass top -- something like what Lenin has -- and taken along on the campaign. He would be on the platform with President during fundraising events. He would travel on campaign bus swings through battleground states -- probably in a special bus that came behind the presidential bus. At each stop the public would have an opportunity to stream past the glass case and view the Great One, pay their respects, so to speak.

"Would he go on Air Force One?" a campaign planner asked. Of course he would. In the cargo hold? Absolutely not! In the cabin. In the President's private compartment? Well, probably not there. With the press? Of course not. Maybe in a special Strauss Compartment. Yes, that's it. Have to remodel Air Force One. During long flights the President and his staff could go to the Strauss Compartment to meditate, or revise a speech.

What about Presidential trips abroad, a neocon asked. Would he go along to Great Britain for a meeting with Tony Blair? The first answer: Of course. Tony Blair would absolutely want to meditate with Strauss, maybe even France's Chirac, too. But, on second thought, perhaps Strauss shouldn't leave American shores. What if terrorists kidnapped him and held him for ransom, demanding that all the Gitmo detainees be released or else they would behead Leo, live on the Internet? What a horrible thought. No, Strauss should stay at home.

At this point, with a standoff between the memorial crowd and the Strauss as political campaigner crowd, a team of expert embalmers were brought in to assess the Strauss, uhm, corpse. After several weeks of study, they issued a decree: No travel whatsoever. Put him in a highly controlled environment. Disturb him as little as possible.

That put the memorial crowd fully back in control. They dispatched an embalming study team to Moscow to meet with Lenin's caretakers. They've picked a site on the National Mall. Architects are being interviewed. Perhaps I.M. Pei is interested. Congress must approve a memorial, but the neocons say they have the votes.

Time is of the essence now. Need to get the Strauss-Iraq War Memorial bill through Congress before the November election. The president's people say he'll sign the bill.

Imagine it! A Leo Strauss Mausoleum on the National Mall.

 

Copyright 2003-2004 William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions
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