Television networks are upset because Nielsen, the company that tracks national TV viewership, reports that men age 18 to 34 have been watching between 8% and 12% less prime time TV than they did a year ago. The finding is based on extrapolating the habits of only 501 men in the age group who punch a button on a Nielsen set-top box in their homes to record program choices.

Q: State your name, age and residence for the record.

A: Lester Luther Ledbetter. Upper South Borough, Pennsylvania. Nineteen.

Q: Is it true you have a Nielsen set-top box in your home?

A: There's this, like, thingie on top of the TV. It was there when I moved in. Don't know nobody named Nielsen.

Q: It was already there? You don't have a contract with Nielsen?

A: Hey, man! Already said I don't know this Nielsen. Alfie said just move in. So I did. It's a great apartment. He left everything behind.

Q: Everything?

A: Yeah. A TV with this box you're talkin' about. And a computer. Alfie's got some kind of like geek job. A DVD. Dude, you ever watched a movie on DVD? Awesome!

Q: So he suddenly moved out?

A: (Laughter) He met this babe at a bar where some of the club hangs out. Couple a days later he says, like, man I'm movin' in with her. Take my apartment. Just pay the rent. So I did.

Q: A bar? And did you say a club hangs out there?

A: Yeah. Nathan's Haven. Out on West Fifth. Lot of cool babes. Drinks are free for single chicks until 9 every night.

Q: And the club?

A: Nasty Rasties. Lot of us go there, for the ladies. Go see for yourself. Lot of them come there lookin' for older guys like you. But you need money if yer old.

Q: If memory serves, isn't Nathan's Haven the place where...

A: Whoa there! I'm jumpin' right in and sayin' whatever you heard about Nathan's not true. I'm there a lot and I should know. Not true!

Q: We'll let the police reports speak for themselves. Please state for the record, who are the Rasties?

A: You don't know the Rasties? Where you been, dude? Harleys. Motosickles. Crotch rockets. VROOM, VROOM.

Q: Is it fair ten, to characterize you as a member of a motorcycle gang?

A: We ain't a gang. That's just so wrong. We don't go around beating up old ladies. Just some guys with motorcycles who like to ride around.

Q: Very well. The record now reflects that. We're here today to inquire into your use of the Nielsen set-top box. Can you confirm that you use the box in... what's his name... in the apartment you borrow from Alfie?

A: Man, I don't know nothin' about that box. Alfie just said that he gets paid for it and that the more you have the TV on and punch the button the more money. He said he'd split the money with me.

Q: Do you actually watch any television?

A: Well, I was going to. Man, here I am in this apartment with cable and that DVD. I didn't know much about the web thingie, but Alfie said, use the computer. So I'm learning.

Q: But do you actually watch any television?

A: Hold on. I'm getting' to that. I was going to, but then I met this girl at Nathan's. She's really... hot. Hot, hot. If you get what I mean.

Q: I can imagine.

A: She had this big blowup at home and walked out. So she moved in with me. Really knows that web stuff. Took me right to these porn places. Had her father's credit card. But then it got maxed out or somethin' and it gets refused. I have a couple of card numbers that some of the Rasties gave me. We're still porning away.

Q: Is it fair to say then, that you don't watch any television?

A: Dude, I want to. I really do. But Josie's... just there for me. You know? So I leave the TV on all the time with the sound off. And I pushed this big old chair up against it so the picture's not flashin' at me. I can get crazy with a TV flashin' at me.

Q: But you seem to use Nielsen's set-top box?

A: We punch that button all the time. We cruise through the porn places then we go in the bedroom. Then porn. Then the bed. Every time we go by we hit that baby.

Q: Hmmm... We might be through here. Let me look at my notes.

A: Take your time, man.

Q: Yes, I think that will be all today... Mr. Uh...Ledbetter

A: Can I ask a question?

Q: Certainly.

A: Can you ask those Nielsens to hurry up with their check?

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