Spouse Carrying Event Promises Quick Resolution

The Democratic Party said today that it will use a contest modeled on the Finnish wife-carrying competition to choose its 2004 presidential candidate. The Democratic presidential hopeful who is fastest at carrying his or her spouse over a 200-yard course will win the right to face President Bush in the 2004 election.

"It's still a year until we have our candidate," said a worried Terry McAuliffe, Democartic National Committee chairman. "We have nine candidates spending millions of dollars and hopelessly confusing voters with their differing messages. Meanwhile, Dubya is out there every day with a single message and using the power of his office to create photo ops like landing on aircraft carriers and starting wars."

The Finnish wife-carrying contest is held every summer in the town of Sonkajarvi near the Arctic Circle and was won this year by an Estonian duo. Democrats were quick to emphasize that their contest will be a "spouse-carrying" competition, not a wife-carrying event.

Reaction to the plan among candidates and political analysts ranged from enthusiasm to outrage. Experts on political marriages warned that the plan could trigger last-minute marital upheavals among Democratic presidential candidates as they jockey for advantage.

"This is perfect. It'll be a breeze," said Howard Dean, governor of Vermont, who is well-known for believing there is nothing he can't accomplish. "Judy and I have been carrying one another on the bike path along Lake Champlain for years. She's actually faster carrying me than I am carrying her."

The Rev. Al Sharpton, the New York City political activist, angrily condemned the plan. "They're so afraid of Al Sharpton and his message that they've deliberately come up with a plan they think is sure to exclude me," he told a Harlem Rally. I just look heavy. You'll see."

Albert Lattimore, the Washington Post columnist, said it makes a lot of sense to choose a Democratic candidate now. "It sure sounds more interesting than a year of primaries and a political convention and it's probably just as valid a selection method," he said. The New York Times, however, was quick to editorialize against the contest, calling it "insufficiently egalitarian," saying it "unfairly favors a couple that lives a healthy lifestyle and has the wherewithal to afford a membership in a health club."

Karl Rove, the Bush Administration's political strategist, denounced it. "Why should the Republican Party be penalized simply because it knows early on who it wants to be the next president," he said. "Voters shouldn't be deprived of an opportunity to hear a variety of candidates fully express their divergent views so everyone can see that all Democrats are clueless. Freedom to choose is what this great country is all about."

Kim Gandy, the president of the National Organization for Women (NOW), called the plan sexist and stereotype-driven. "Don't they know their Norse history," she asked. "Don't they care that this competition has its roots in wife-stealing? If a majority of the Democratic candidates were women, would they be choosing the candidate with a husband-stealing contest?"

The Gay Pride Network said it should be called the "significant other-carrying" contest. "What if Barney Franks were running for president," spokesman Russell Pendergast asked, referring to the Massachusetts congressman. "He wouldn't be able to participate in a spouse-carrying contest because neither the Democrats nor the Republicans have seen fit to endorse same-sex marriages. If the Democrats want to avoid big-time hypocrisy, they'd better call it a significant other-carrying contest."

DNC officials said they were still working out competition details. They said it will be held late in October on the Mall adjacent to the Washington Monument and that the 200 yard distance would be broken into two legs of 100 yards with a two-minute rest stop between legs. Participants would have three options: The candidate can carry the spouse the entire distance; the spouse can carry the candidate the distance; or they can swap at the mid-point. Candidates must declare the name of the spouse they will carry by October 1.

Political marriage analysts predicted a flurry of marital rearrangements in advance of the deadline. They pointed out, for example, that Senator Bob Graham of Florida, who is in his 60s with a wife only a few years younger and 10 grandchildren, would be at a distinct disadvantage unless he aligned himself with a young, female athlete. Speculation centered on several eastern European shotputters, including Claudia Losch of Germany or Yanina Korolchik of Balarus.

Analysts were also quick to pair Sharpton with another Democratic presidential hopeful, Carol Moseley Braun, the first woman and the first African-American to be elected to the Senate from Illinois. Other marriage analysts paired Sharpton with Monica Lewinsky.
Dennis Kucinich, the Indiana congressman, was seen as having an advantage since he is single and free to pair up with anyone. It is presumed he would choose one of the Eastern European female shotputters, which would give him a further advantage because he is short and of slight build.

"I throw over shoulder. No problem," said Ms. Korolchik, reached by telephone in Minsk, the capital city. She said that as First Lady she would want a shotputting area constructed on the White House's south lawn and at Camp David and would demand a spot on the American team at the 2008 Olympics.

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