December 5, 2004

Was Election Rigged by Aliens and Midnight Crop Circles?

Secret Tunnels from Suburban Basements to Caverns One Clue

I’ll tell you this. John Kerry won the election. Yes, I know it’s been a month. You’re going to tell me to give it a rest, that George W. Bush won.

But you’re wrong. Kerry won. I don’t care if Bush is running around acting like he won. It’s not too late to turn back and get it right this time. How can we claim to be a democracy if two times in a row the wrong guy wins?

How do I know? For starters, there's that recount in Ohio. Or just go to the Internet, to Google. Type in this simple search phrase: "John Kerry vote fraud." You’ll see. It’s all there. Hanging chads in Ohio. Optical scanners in small Florida counties. Storm troopers in Florida. Gauntlets of slavering Dobermans that African-American, Hispanic, and gay and lesbian voters in battleground states had to pass through to reach a voting booth.

Take New Mexico, for example. Did you see on television that giant room where they were counting votes? How could you count votes in a place like that? And the people— they looked like aliens. How could they even hold an election in New Mexico and hope to get it right? Are they even a part of the United States?

There was fraud right here in my own precinct. I went to the township office to vote like always, but there wasn’t a soul there I knew. Lived here 30 years and know everybody. But the poll workers were strangers. They never asked me for identification. "Sign here," the woman said. So I signed my name as "Chocolate Chip Cookie." She looked at it and said, "Have a nice day, Mr. Cookie."

Fortunately, mine was one of the old mechanical voting machines, not a computer someone could secretly mess with. You pull down little levers and they do whatever they do in the back of the machine. But you can be sure there isn’t any fraud, that whatever happens back there can’t be tampered with.

So I pull down my levers — no, I’m not going to tell you who I voted for — and then you’re supposed to pull the big red handle to record the vote and open the curtain. But the lever wouldn’t move. So I ducked under the curtain and told the poll worker that the lever was stuck.

"Yeah, it seems to be broken on this machine," he said. "I’ll fix it for you."

So he ducks under the curtain and "ka-ching." The bell rings and the curtain flies open. "There," he said, "all fixed."

Did he mess with my levers, change my vote? Probably. And what happened to Ralph Nader? What if I wanted to vote for Nader? Last I heard, he was on the ballot. So there’s fraud right there, if you wanted Nader as president, which, I have to tell you, I didn’t. But still…

If you’re not convinced, here’s another Google search term: "Toll brothers campaign contributions."

Now I have your attention. Did you know that every Toll Brothers house built within two or three miles of the Delaware River has a secret tunnel that leads to a giant room under the Delaware? The experts on such things think this room is somewhere up the river from Philadelphia. They can’t say specifically how the voter fraud is carried out, but they say there’s conclusive evidence that is what’s going on in this room.

Don’t laugh. This is serious. If you live in a Toll Brothers house, go down into your basement and look around. Somewhere down there you will find a secret entrance to a tunnel. Look behind the furnace. Or maybe there is a crawl space under part of the house. Slither back into the crawl space. But be careful. You don’t want to accidentally fall into the tunnel.

Or the sump pump. Look around the sump pump area for the tunnel entrance. Your house doesn’t have a sump pump? That’s a clue right there. No sump pump means there is definitely a secret tunnel entrance. It’s just a matter of finding it.

Search Google deep enough and you’ll see that one of the Toll brothers — yes, apparently there really are brothers with the last name Toll — gave Ed Rendell a contribution when he ran for governor of Pennsylvania. Rendell is a Democrat, and John Kerry did well in Pennsylvania. So what more do you need to see that the secret room under the Delaware is connected with vote fraud?

But don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying the Toll brothers have anything to do with vote fraud. Of course they had nothing to do with it, no responsible homebuilder would. But someone is sneaking into the basement of a Toll Brothers house during construction and creating the tunnel. They probably do it in the middle of the night.

It’s a known fact that whenever a new housing development is under construction near a corn field, alien crop circles appear in the middle of the night. So that means the tunnels are probably the work of aliens. Some of the experts concluded that the secret Delaware room is an alien staging area.

You must think I’m crazy. But consider this: John Kerry is a big fan of The X-Files television program. That program proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that aliens are trying secretly to take over the human race and that they have infiltrated the federal government.

It’s no secret that Kerry and Chris Carter, the television producer who created The X-Files, had secret meetings during the presidential campaign. Carter was advising Kerry about how to restructure the CIA if he won the election.

What does all this mean? Glad you asked.

Aliens are behind the vote fraud. They want Kerry to appear to lose the election. Then, when the moment is right, they will arrange for fraud to be uncovered and for the Supreme Court to declare Kerry the winner.

That will be the moment of truth, the moment when aliens take over.

Yes, it sounds scary at first. But think about it. Having aliens in charge instead of garden variety American politicians wouldn’t be that much worse, would it? Might even be better.

Copyright 2003-2004 William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions
All Rights Reserved
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