 |
|
Kerry's Telepathic Parrot Caught Monitoring Karl Rove's Brain
N'kisi First to Report Bush's Fall from Perch on Cheney's Knee
A few days ago, Washington police pulled over a car that had been cruising up and down the street where Karl Rove lives. Rove is President Bush's chief political strategist, and his neighbors are sensitive to any untoward happenings in their swanky northwest Washington enclave.
In the car were two workers for John Kerry's presidential election campaign and a Congo African Gray Parrot named N'kisi. The parrot is famous for his telepathic powers. The Kerry campaign hired him last January to help with the Massachusetts senator's bid for the White House.
After questioning the campaign aides and enduring a lecture from the parrot, who is famed for his 750-word vocabulary, police allowed the trio to continue cruising. No traffic laws had been violated and they could find nothing in the District of Columbia's penal code dealing with telepathic parrots.
It was just another day in the Paranormal Phenomenon Department at John Kerry for President.
The aides knew that Rove was at home, which N'kisi confirmed with a loud, squawking "Rove he my man!" cry the moment they turned onto the street. They cruised back and forth outside his house hoping N'kisi could pick up any telepathic emanations from Rove's brain, which has become famous now that both a book and documentary film have been named after it.
The aides wouldn't comment about the telepathic cruising session, other than to say, "We got a lot of useful information and are putting it to work to good effect."
Although N'kisi was originally hired to sit on Kerry's shoulder during debates and advise him in real time about what his opponent might be thinking, the campaign quickly discovered the parrot's penchant for gathering intelligence by listening in on people's thoughts. The Kerry campaign car can often be seen cruising in Washington traffic, passing as close as it can to the White House.
"A few years ago, we could have gotten a lot closer," said one aide, who asked not to be identified because his parents think he's still in college and are sending him money based on that supposition. "But with the war on terror and all the concrete barricades, it makes N'kisi's White House surveillance work harder."
Reports circulated in Washington on Thursday that it was N'kisi who first learned that President Bush, in a careless moment, had fallen from Vice President Dick Cheney's knee. Bush perched on the vice presidential knee during his and the vice president's joint appearance before the 9/11 Commission, a meeting held in the Oval Office.
Kerry aides would only say that Thursday was "one of N'kisi's better days."
The Kerry campaign has also discovered that the range over which N'kisi's telepathic listening powers can extend varies widely. While he gets useful White House information cruising in traffic, N'kisi regularly comes up dry while sitting in a car parked outside the Republican National Committee's Washington offices. He gets only weak signals while sitting on the shoulder of a campaign aide who walks to and fro on the sidewalk in front of the office building and even ventures into the building's elevators with the parrot whenever they can sneak past building security.
On the other hand, it was N'kisi who earlier this week alerted campaign aides that Kerry's Vietnam war medals - a silver star and two bronze stars - were located in a thrift shop in Toledo, Ohio. When Toledo operatives were dispatched by N'kisi to a north side neighborhood and told only "thrift shop" and "Vietnam medals", they quickly located a Christians for Jesus Odds 'n Ends store and found the medals for sale in a glass display case.
Aides purchased all three for $34.89, including tax.
"That was another win-win day for parrot telepathy," one of the parrot's handlers said.
Copyright William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions
All Rights Reserved