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National Rifle Association Gets into the News Business
O'Shell Casing to Join O'Reilly and O'Franken
The nation's gun lobby is creating an "NRA news" company that will produce a daily talk show for the Internet, buy a radio station and seek a television deal to spread its gun-rights message nationwide. Here is a recent NRA News.com daily broadcast schedule:
6 a.m. Sunrise Target Practice and Prayer
Host: Reverend Floyd of Eiffel Junction, Alabama.
Rev. Floyd will demonstrate the finer points of small-bore marksmanship with both rifles and pistols using human silhouette targets and discuss the use of prayer to increase accuracy.
7 a.m. Urban Survival Breakfast Call-in Festival
Host: Wanda Jackson, Bronx, New York.
Live from the bathroom in Wanda's apartment. Discussion will focus on how to fixup the bathtub with pillows and blankets so children can sleep comfortably and safely through the night.
8 a.m. Understanding the Second Amendment
Host: Lawrence Gallagher, Senior Custodian and professor, Harvard Law School building, Harvard University.
The Second Amendment contains 27 words. Each day, Professor Gallagher takes time off from his janitorial duties to discuss in detail a single word from the amendment. Today's word: "infringed".
10 a.m. Crime Watch
Host: Little Louie
This well-know Chicago raconteur and street crime expert will discuss the use of the bazooka, grenade launcher and assault rifle against armored cars during cash delivery and pickup at banks located in the center of large cities.
11 a.m. Gun Store Hotline Call-in
Host: Edward Costanza, owner of Costanza's Firearms, Arlington, Va.
Topic: How to use ball point pens that are almost out of ink to fill out Federal firearms sales report forms. Also, a special discussion on how to spill coffee on forms after they are completed by a purchaser.
12 p.m. Prayer and Firing Range Etiquette
Host: Reverend Jonathan Swift, Third Reformed Church, Pasadena, California
Topic: Should women be allowed to use photos of their ex-husbands as targets during firing range prayer sessions?
2 p.m. Dateline: Washington, D.C.
Host: Beau Leventhal, Esq.
Topic: Using the Second Amendment to intimidate legislators at the federal and state levels. Also: New evidence that Janet Reno was present at Waco.
4 p.m. Dateline: Iraq
NRA News.com correspondents report on the latest gun control news from the frontlines. Today, an exclusive interview with Omar Chabali, Morroco's muay thai champion.
5 p.m. Gun Safety Begins at Home
Host: Big Daddy Groogan
Topic: Keeping your guns close at hand and loaded in case of a home invasion. April 16, 2004
Copyright 2003-2004 William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions
All Rights Reserved
satire | humor | comedy | parody | satirical headlines
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