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April 2, 2004
Nader Narrows Vice President Choice to Three Simon Cowell, a Labrador Retriever and a Cat on List Ralph Nader has narrowed the list of possible vice presidential candidates to three and is expected to announce his running mate by the end of next week. Nader, the consumer activist, is running for president as an independent. The three are: Simon Cowell, the acerbic judge on the television program "American Idol", a retired black Labrador retriever seeing-eye dog named Aloysius from Dayton, Ohio, and a 16-pound Maine coon cat named Rufus, who lives in San Diego. Still under consideration but regarded a long shot because of his current affiliation with the presidential election campaign of John Kerry is N'kisi, a telepathic Congo African gray parrot with a reputed vocabulary of 750 words. "We're in the final stages of the selection process," a Nader campaign aide said. "Ralph has interviewed them all and we're now reviewing their resumes and looking into their past positions on important issues." Many of Nader's aides, all of whom spoke only on the condition of anonymity because that's how the Nader campaign operates, seem to favor Cowell. He is, first of all, a human, the aides note. But most say what makes him even more attractive is his British accent and a reputed net worth in excess of $100 million. The Nader aides say that their background check revealed that Cowell is actually an American, who moved to Great Britain and acquired an accent for business reasons. "Americans love British accents and our polling shows a British accent is much more favorably regarded by voters than a patrician New England accent like Kerry's or a faux good ole Texas boy accent like Bush's," an aide said. Nader's campaign strategists also think that Cowell's acerbic tongue and his creative, often nasty put downs of talent-deprived "American Idol" contestants will play well with voters. "Imagine what Simon might have to say about the talents of Bush or Kerry," one enthusiastic aide gushed. "Voters will just love it." Aloysius, the retired black Labrador, is favored by some Nader campaign strategists because of his affable nature and deep-throated voice. "Because he was a faithful seeing-eye dog, he has a reputation for steadiness and a methodical approach to life. Those are things you want in a vice president," one aide said. "You won't get any flashy stump speeches out of him during the campaign, but voters will immediately bond with him because of the way he wags his tail and his kind eyes. You see him as the kind of guy you want just a heartbeat away from the presidency." Most Nader aides see Rufus, the Maine coon cat, as a distant third in the vice president selection trials. "He's a keen political strategist and has an uncanny, intuitive sense of what issues matter the most and how to capitalize on them in structuring an election campaign," an aide who has spent time with Rufus said. "But he's too aloof when you meet him. You often feel he's off on some other planet." Other aides said that Rufus would probably not be a vigorous candidate or vice president if Nader is elected president. "He spends far too much time sleeping," an aide said. "Reagan could get away with it because he was an actor. But I don't think people would cut Rufus as much slack if he were vice president." Copyright William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions |
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