April 12, 2004

Bush Explains His Ranch Vacations

Model Airplane Project 'Not an Obession'

You wonder why I spend so much time on vacation? I saw that headline. Well, I didn't actually see it. One of my aides told me about it. I never actually read newspapers. Bad for digestion. "Bush vacations while Baghdad burns." Well, really! Give me a break! Baghdad wasn't burning.

I'll say it again. How many times do I have to say it? All my vacations are working vacations. Got that? Working vacations. You're always on the job in this job. That military dude with the little black box that will launch all the missiles on Vladimir, he's always real close. Practically comes into the bathroom with me. Well, he's usually real close. Doesn't actually sleep with us. Have to draw the line somewhere. I think he spends the night dozing in a chair in the hall.

Hmmm. Come to think of it, I haven't seen him lately. What's his name? Yeah. Launcher Boy. Cute name. Turns beet red every time I call him that. Is he a bird colonel or a shave tail general? Can't remember. S'pose he'd like to be one of the Joint Chiefs? Do we still have missiles with H-bombs pointed at anybody? Need to ask about that. Maybe I don't have the power to destroy the world anymore. Well, I could learn to live with that.

But back to this excessive vacation garbage. Clinton was a workaholic. One of his many illnesses. I'm not. A workaholic, that is. I keep things in perspective. I'm a laid back guy. Surround yourself with good people and let them do the heavy lifting and deep thinking. Learned that in business school. They had this course. How to be a CEO. They had all these famous CEOs come in and tell us how to delegate things.

Oh, alright! It's confession time. Andy and Karen and the others are going to have a fit. S'posed to stay on message. But if I can't go off message, who can? I'm the CEO, right? Wanna know why I spend so much time in Crawford? Know that building I had them build down by the pond? Yeah, the metal one with the big doors?

Are you ready for this? I'm building a model airplane in there. Aha! Got your attention now, ye of the chattering class. Yes, I'm building a model airplane. A really big model airplane. And get this! It's completely out of toothpicks. Yes, you heard that right. Nothing but toothpicks and glue. Gallons and gallons of that white glue. The glue they named after a cow. Or was it a bull? You know. It's white. And the toothpicks are just your regular old toothpicks you get at the Coffee Station in Crawford.

It's a Cessna 150. A half scale model. Wingspan of 16 feet. Entirely of toothpicks. Glue and toothpicks. It's awesome, dude! I'm about half way. I'll get it finished sometime in my second term. I have to say, it's one of the most satisfying things I've ever done. Working in there with my consultant. Just the two of us. Secret service guys just outside the door. Playing country music real loud from that station in Waco. Sometimes we stay up all night.

Who's the consultant? A guy from San Francisco. Nice guy. Just a good ole country boy like me. Can't remember his name. I call him Picker. You know, short for toothpick. He's real famous for sculptures he's built out of toothpicks. Built the Golden Gate Bridge. He's got a web site. URL. I found out the other day that I've got a web site, too.

What's that? Am I obsessed? About the airplane? Of course not. It's just a hobby. It's a way to relieve stress, you know, the tensions of office. I take a nap in the afternoon. Then I have dinner and then Picker and I go down to the pond and work all night on my airplane. It's very relaxing.

Hardest part is getting the glue off your fingers.

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