TSA Tightens Baggage Inspection Standards

Dirty Underwear, Banned Bumper Stickers on List

Notification of
Baggage Inspection

As provided for by Federal Law and in keeping with the need to fight the War on Terror by intruding into the privacy of as many citizens as possible and as provided for in the Patriot Act, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) and the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) have inspected this baggage you checked on your airline flight.

If the lock on your bag is broken, too bad. Live with it. Federal law permits us to break your lock. If you wish to lodge a complaint, you may do so by completing the form at www.brokenlock.gov. Please be advised that if you do lodge a complaint, there is a possibility that you and all the members of your extended family may be subjected to an audit by the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) of your tax returns for the last five years.

The following rules and procedures, as provided for by Federal law and the aforementioned Patriot Act, governed the inspection of your checked baggage.

Dirty Underwear All undergarments were passed through the automated Halliburton Soiled Undergarments Assessment System (HSUAS). Those undergarments that registered above 3.0 on HSUAS were confiscated and will be incinerated at the Federal Incinerator in Huntsville, Alabama, the next time outdated Department of Defense (DOD) Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) are scheduled to be destroyed. If your dirty undergarments have been confiscated, you will find that a copy of TSA Advisory Circular 3982 How to Tell When You Need to Change Your Underwear. Please read it carefully. If you wish to complain about confiscation of your undergarments, you may do so at www.smellyundies.gov. Please be aware of the possibility of IRS tax audits as outlined above.

Squiggly Writing If you had any books, magazines, newspapers, pamphlets or other writings that were not in English and used Squiggly Writing as defined by Federal law and in the Patriot Act, such items were passed through the automated Halliburton Squiggly Writing Assessment System (HSWAS). Any book, magazine, newspaper, pamphlet or other writings that scored higher than 3.0 on HSWAS was confiscated. You will find a copy of TSA Advisory Circular 2399 Why Carrying Squiggly Writing Is a Bad Idea. Note: For future reference, documents written in Arabic, Japanese, Chinese, Persian, Greek, Russian and Californian and copies of the Congressional Record always score well above 3.0 on HSWAS.

Banned Books The following books are banned and were confiscated if any or all of them were found in your baggage: George Bush Is a Big Fat Liar, Tom Ridge Wears a Hearing Aid, George Tenet Couldn't Find His Keester with a Dumpster, John Ashcroft Sings Gospel Hymns Off Key and Dick Cheney Wears a Hairpiece. If any of these books were confiscated, you will find a copy of TSA Advisory Circular 1002 Why Reading Subversive Literature Is Bad and Could Lead to J. Edgar Hoover's Return.

Same-Sex Marriage All luggage is passed through the Halliburton Same-Sex Detection and Abrogation System (HSSDAS). If your baggage scored above 3.0 on HSSDAS, you will find a copy of TSA Advisory Circular 2671 Why Same-Sex Marriage Is a Bad Idea and Against God's Law. Please read the advisory circular and repent. Judgment Day will soon be at hand!

Bumper Stickers Certain presidential campaign bumper stickers are not permitted. All presidential campaign bumper stickers are passed through the Halliburton Presidential Bumper Sticker Assessment System (HPBSAS). Any sticker that scores above 3.0 on HPBSAS is confiscated. Note: Words and phrases that are likely to lead to a high HPBSAS score include, but are not limited to, "Dump", "Bush", "Bush-Cheney", "Regime Change", "Begins", "Home", "Dump Bush-Cheney", "WMD Lies" and "Dump Bush". If a presidential campaign bumper sticker in your luggage was confiscated, you will find a copy of TSA Advisory Circular 666 Why Bush-Cheney Is/Are Entitled to at Least Four More Years.

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