Bush to Seek New Nickname with National Contest

Dubya Is Out; Winner Gets $50,000 and Ambassadorship

President Bush's re-election campaign is considering a national contest in which the public will be asked to find a new nickname for the president, replacing Dubya, the current nickname. The winner would receive a $50,000 cash prize and be appointed ambassador to Tajikistan.

Sources within the Bush campaign said the contest could be unveiled as early as next week when Bush visits the Texas Air National Guard's 136th Airlift Wing in Ft. Worth. The unit is famed for its Latin motto "nulli secundus", which means "second to none."

Campaign strategists believe the nickname contest would help make Bush appear more accessible and more like the average voter. It is hoped the substantial cash prize and a a guaranteed four-year stint in a high paying government job that includes an expense account, private residence and a limousine will stir excitement among younger and lower income voters.

"The idea is to get some Bush buzz, to get people who probably weren't going to vote to go to the polls and vote for the President because he's this fun guy who ran a national contest to find a new nickname," said a campaign strategist, who declined to be identified.

Democrats were predictively scathing in their reactions.

"This has the fingerprints of Karl Rove all over it," said a political strategist at the Democratic National Committee. Rove is Bush's chief political strategist.

"This is nothing more than appealing to the basest instincts of the masses," the Democratic strategist said. "It's Caesar holding games at the Coliseum. The idea of giving away an ambassadorship as a prize is particularly repugnant because it implies an ambassadorship is for sale, like a box of detergent on a supermarket shelf."

As reports of a nickname contest began circulating in recent days, the Beltway think tank literati have been abuzz with speculation about what new nickname would get the presidential blessing.

"It's a sure bet that "Bushboy" and "Bushman" won't get it," said Jacob Wyeth at the Government Now! Institute. "You can scratch off 'Flight Suit Boy', 'Frat Boy', 'Amendment Man', 'Silver Spoon', 'AWOL', 'Absent One', 'Tongue Tied', 'Georgie Porgie' and 'Uranium Man'."

At the left-leaning Pay More Taxes Consortium, Executive Director Abigail Albertson said her e-mail inbox has been overflowing with messages from other Beltway insiders suggesting nickname possibilities. "'Compcon' seems to be a favorite," she said, explaining it comes from a melding of "compassionate conservative." She said other favorites included "dubya-em-dee", "preemp" from preemptive first strike, "regime change" derived either from ousting Saddam Hussein from Iraq or from bumper stickers that call for American regime change by ousting Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney.

Among her personal favorites, Albertson cited "Dogdrop", an allusion to Bush's penchant for dropping Barney, the presidential dog, and "Goober".flight suit boy,frat

Goober?

"It just sounds like one of those names a good ole Texas boy would have. You know, like, 'Hey Goober. Why doncha take the truck to town and git us some more beer?'"

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