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July 7, 2003
Potter Author Buys British Throne, Royal Family JK Rowling, the mega-millionaire author of the Harry Potter books, has purchased the British throne. As part of the deal, she will also assume the liability of owning the Royal Family. The purchase price was not disclosed. The announcement came in a terse statement issued by Buckingham Palace late this afternoon. It said Queen Elizabeth would abdicate the throne on Friday and that Prince Charles would relinquish his post as Prince of Wales. No mention was made as to whether other royals might give up their titles as well. Apparently, when the transaction closes none of the royal family members will be in the line of succession to the throne. Rumors swirled among royals watchers after the announcement, with speculation centering on whether Rowling would order herself crowned queen and whether she might order her new husband crowned king. Friends of Prince Harry, who turned 21 recently, said he was devastated to learn he would never be King of England and that he had taken to his room at an undisclosed palace and was consoling himself with Mountain Dew, an American soft drink. A Rowling spokesman declined to discuss the Palace announcement, but did say that all Marks and Spencer stores throughout Britain had available for purchase an ample stock of Rowling's latest Potter fantasy yarn "The Order of the Phoenix." The story centers around young Potter using magic to travel to the American city of Phoenix, Arizona. An investment banker in the City with knowledge of the transaction said that his firm approached Rowling after seeing press reports that Rowling's wealth generated by the Potter books had exceeded that of the Queen. "It seemed like a natural fit for her business goals and she jumped at the chance to own the monarchy," he said. Other banking sources in the City said that Rowling drove a hard bargain with the royal family and that the deal almost faltered when she made it clear that she wanted the monarchy, but not the liability of owning the Royal Family itself. "It nearly came a cropper," the banker said. "JK thought her price was handsome enough so that the royals would take the money, pack up and not be heard from again." However, he said, during a tense meeting "the Queen pointed out that the family had enormous debts and that family members have no marketable skills except for cutting ribbons at openings and visiting the sick in hospital." In the end, this source said, the sale price was reduced and Rowling agreed to take on ownership of the royals, but with the stipulation that if she provides them with "meaningful work assignments" they will undertake the tasks without "excessive whining." In Hollywood, Jamie Green of the Real Deal Talent Agency said that Rowling might have "struck gold" by acquiring the Royal Family. "This would open the door to Royal Family members being written into future story lines and then appearing as themselves in the films that followed," he said. Green said that Rowling's most valuable royal "assets" might not be the queen or Prince Charles, but "those darling young princes, Harry and William." He said the two princes reminded him of the young Brad Pitt or, reaching farther back in time, the sultry young Paul Newman in "Hud" or "The Hustler." "With the right management, each could become a superstar and apparently Rowling would own them entirely," he said. Separately, a spokesman for the Church of England said that the Archbishop of Canterbury would have no comment on the sale but "has recently been consulting with God about it." Copyright William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions |
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