July 9, 2003

Sen. Kennedy Proposes Tax on Bovine Flatulence

Cattleman's Group Denounces 'Gasbag Liberals'

Sen. Teddy Kennedy, D-Mass., called today for a new tax on methane gas produced by cattle flatulence, which he described as "a growing air pollution and global warming menace that no one wants to address because they're too embarrassed to talk about farting."

Kennedy said funds raised by the tax, which would likely exceed $1 billion a year, would be used to fund the newly created National Institute for Low or No Fat. The controversial institute was created last month after doctors ordered President Bush to begin following a rigorous low-fat diet.

A spokesman for the National Cattlemen's Beef Association, a beef industry trade group, expressed astonishment and outrage at Sen. Kennedy's tax proposal. "What should be enacted is a tax on Senate and other gasbag liberals," said JasonVan Bremer, the NCBA spokesman. He spoke at a news conference where he periodically paused to spit tobacco juice into a paper cup.

"There's no doubt in my mind that a tax on methane produced by all the liberal gasbags in Cambridge, Massachusetts alone would easily pay for President Bush's institute," he said. Cambridge is home to Harvard University and the MIT.

Methane gas is linked by scientists to air pollution and global warming. Cattle, which release the gas as part of the ruminant digestive process, produce about 25 percent of methane in the United States.

Vegetarians and advocates of a lactose-free society argue that ceasing to eat beef, pork and mutton and stopping consumption of milk would significantly reduce methane air pollution, contribute to efforts to slow global warming and provide significant public health benefits.

Dairy and meat groups argue that technology to trap animal-generated methane doesn't exist and that developing and implementing it would be costly.

"Have you ever eaten a veggie burger?" Van Bremer asked. "I tried one once. Talk about methane production. That doesn't happen with a good old-fashioned hamburger with pickles and onions."

At his news conference, Sen. Kennedy said that Americans were once reluctant to talk about sex or baldness. "Now sex and baldness are everywhere in public discourse," he said. "We need to get to the same place with the environmental effects of flatulence. A fart is a fart whatever the species, and they cause global warming."

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