It Might Sound Revolting, But Tough Times Require Aggressive Solutions
As the Federal Reserve, White House and Congress scramble to head off or at least ameliorate an economic recession, there is another, cheaper approach: spit.
Ask the American people to collect their spit — as much spit as possible — and turn it in at a national network of Spit Depots.
A big Fortune 500 company — Halliburton comes to mind — would be given a contract to quickly build processing plants to extract the natural morphine present in spit. The amount of the narcotic present in your average goober is very small. But when you extract it from millions and millions of slimy deposits that might otherwise be swallowed or deposited on the sidewalk, you’re talking about lots and lots of morphine.
The morphine would then be sold to whoever will pay the most for it: hospitals, pharmaceutical companies, drug dealers, movie stars in meltdown mode, Afghan warlords.
Who would do the actual selling? Again, give a contract to a big Fortune 500 company with a track record for getting things done. Halliburton comes to mind.
Soon enough, Americans would be lining up on street corners to deposit their spit, big Halliburton tanker trucks would haul it to Halliburton processing centers and a Halliburton distribution network would sell it and turn the money — or at least some of the money — over to the Government.
The Government, which has lots of experience with such things, would then spread the money around to friends, acquaintances, political campaign contributors and other hangers-on. These grateful recipients would then spend the money on executive jets, golf outings and things like that to stimulate the economy.
Poof! End of the recession. Just by getting every American to hack up a goober or two every day and deposit it at the nearest spit depot.
(Note to Mayor Bloomberg: Put a spit depot at the entrance to every subway station. New Yorkers alone might be able to stop the recession in its tracks.)