Goal Is Restoring the ‘Kinder, Gentler’ Cheney of Laramie School Days
Former Vice President Richard B. Cheney is expected to undergo surgery in coming weeks to remove the famous scowl that intimidated everyone from Osama Bin Ladin to a second grade Indiana school girl who broke out in hives every time she saw the vice president on television.
“The Vice President took up the scowl as part of his official duties after his inauguration in 2001 and he feels that his move to civilian life won’t be complete until he gets his old face back,” said Walter Godsend, a Cheney spokesman. “There is some concern among his doctors that not removing the scowl in the next few months might lead to the scowl becoming permanent.”
Godsend described as “false, utterly false” media reports that Cheney was having difficulty lining up paid speaking engagements with conservative groups because some organizers found his physiognomy too scary and not in sync with conservatism’s upbeat message about the future of America.
“This decision to have scowl removal is purely a medical decision with its roots solidly in quality of life issues,” Godsend said. “The idea that a so-called new conservatism wants a Dick Cheney who embodies cheery smiles and sugar-laced pablum is absurd.”
Another Cheney adviser with Wyoming roots who asked not to be identified said several Wyoming Republican stalwarts had approached Cheney with a plea to “bring home the old Dick.”
Medical experts said that removal of a fierce scowl after many years of use can present unusual surgical challenges.
“The biggest danger in cases where the scowl is quite pronounced is that surgical intervention can actually freeze the scowl in place,” said Dr. David Schneiderman of Philadelphia, a plastic surgery expert. “I can sympathize with the wise men of Wyoming who would like to hobnob with a more pleasing looking former vice president. But they run a risk of getting stuck with the opposite and seeing their kids run through the streets screaming in fear when the vice president approaches.”
Cheney is expected to have the scowl surgery at a Washington area hospital in the next few weeks. Godsend said he would be fully recovered in time for a speaking engagement at the end of May with the conservative group Armageddon as an Option.