Could a Presumed Humanoid that ‘Sings’ Be the Next President?
There has been much ado lately about the mysterious “Hannah Montana”. Here is a handy guide to help you understand that, as a general rule, few things are ever what they seem. Keep this guide close at hand at all times, since there are few signs that the media frenzy over Hannah Montana is nearing an end.
Sexual Orientation The working assumption among most Hannah Montana experts is that he/she is a humanoid. That said, there is less certainty about sexual orientation. To be sure, the first name Hannah suggests a female. But someone named Billie, for example, could be either male or female. Or John. Even though John is a male name, there are plenty of females with the first name John. So, clearly, the name Hannah is no guarantee that this presumed humanoid is a female.
DNA The issue of sexual orientation could be resolved by sequencing a DNA sample from the humanoid who uses the name Hannah Montana. But this humanoid’s handlers have been very aggressive about not letting an outsider close enough to get a viable DNA sample. During one concert appearance, some spittle generated as the Hannah Montana humanoid sang landed on a spectator. This briefly raised expectations that, finally, a DNA sequence could be obtained. But Hannah Montana handlers immediately jumped from the stage, tackled the spectator and aggressively washed away the spittle with a Brillo pad soaked in vinegar. (Various lawsuits stemming from the incident are pending.)
State of Residence Hannah Montana’s surname of Montana suggests, of course, that the humanoid who uses the Hannah Montana name is a native of Montana. But numerous members of the political and social elite of Montana — including Howard Montana, the octogenarian cattle baron widely credited with founding Montana — have adamantly insisted that Montana would never foster such an entity as the presumed humanoid who uses the name Hannah Montana. “We would have left something like that on a hillside to be raised by coyotes,” Howard Montana was famously quoted as saying.
Occupation It is obvious from the public appearances by the presumed humanoid who uses the name Hannah Montana that he/she/it is a singer and/or performer. But sagacious critics who closely observed the presumed Hannah Montana humanoid’s public appearances have been reticent to use the term “singer” to describe his/her/it’s performances as singing, per se. The terms “performer” or sometimes “energetic performer” seem to be preferred.
Presidential Campaign A Hannah Montana for President 2008 exploratory committee has been formed and is studying how to get the presumed humanoid on the presidential election ballots in as many states as possible. The committee has been testing campaign slogans. Media reports said the favorite slogan so far is: Hey! Why Not? How Could Hannah Be Any Worse Than What’s Already Out There?