These Handy Tips Will Breathe New Life into Republican Presidential Hopes
Go ahead and accept the invitation to the Rudy Giuliani cocktail party fund-raiser at the MacMansion of the president of the local chapter of Close the Borders Now, No Exceptions. Meet and greet as you work the room, saying things like “Isn’t it terrible the vendetta against Bernie Kerik” or “New York City is such a frightening place now that Bloomberg is mayor” or “Italians have always made the best presidents, just look at Nixon.”
Make a big production of handing over your check for $10,000 by standing on the dining room table and giving a speech about how the Irish have too many children and Puerto Ricans should go back to their own country and eat rice and beans there, not here. Remind everyone that wild fires in California would be much less of a problem if there weren’t so many Mexicans living in East Los Angeles. Don’t forget to mention that the Iraqi immigrants in Michigan should go back to Persia, along with anyone who eats shish ka bob.
After everyone has finished congratulating you and you have thoroughly basked in their adulation, sneak off to the bathroom and put on your full body George Soros costume. Rush back into the room and do your best gorilla imitation, leaping about and grunting, beating your chest, inspecting your private parts, picking fleas out of your hairy coat and swinging from the chandelier. If you pull the chandelier out of the ceiling, so much the better.
After changing out of the George Soros costume, return to the festivities and resume working the room with these messages:
Fred Thompson should drop out of the race to become the Republican presidential candidate and in return every other candidate would pledge to name him attorney general if they become president;
Mitt Romney should disclose details of what kind of underwear he dresses in;
Mike Huckabee should take a stand on whether — if elected president — he would order that all naked statues in government buildings throughout the country be fully clothed;
Any Republican who seriously wants to be president must pledge that, if elected, he will give Newt Gingrich and/or Karl Rove a significant post in the White House.