Guru Reduces the Presidential Election Campaign to Bite-Size Morsels
Q: Our book club recently read the novel “Watership Down”. During the discussion period Ethel Louise brought up the question of waterboarding and the presidential election. Personally, if you want my opinion, I think Ethel Louise thinks too much. But waterboarding — whatever it is — is in the news, so maybe it’s okay if we discuss it?
Guru: You can make a pretty good argument that the presidential candidates think too much, too, although none of them are named Ethel Louise. Waterboarding is a form of torture and should not be confused with water skiing, which is only torture if someone is making you do it in January without a wetsuit. The use of waterboarding to get information from captured terrorists has become an issue in the presidential campaign, that is, to torture or not to torture. Guru says this is a bogus issue and will remain so until all the candidates have personally experienced waterboarding and can comment authoritatively. This will not happen, of course, since the hallmark of all presidential campaigns is a reluctance to complicate issues through assimilation of actual facts.
Q:How come Ralph Nader isn’t running for president this time around?
Guru: We phoned up Ralph’s most recent public relations firm, where a staff member said they are no longer representing him. But this very nice youngish-sounding woman with a wee bit of an Irish lilt to her speech said that in his dotage Ralph doesn’t have time for another presidential run. Instead, he has begun restoring a Chevrolet Corvair. Once he is finished, he plans to drive it coast to coast using a network of back roads not usually shown on maps. Every time the Corvair breaks down, he will call General Motor’s Onstar system for roadside help and then write a book about the experience. At the moment, she said, the book’s working title is Safe at Slow Speeds if There Are no Potholes. Guru says: Go for it, Ralphie. It beats the presidential campaign grind. And who wants to be the next president anyway and have to straighten out Dubya’s mess?