Finally, Here Is a President That All Citizens Could Like and Respect
As President, I would only appoint the most highly qualified person to every Government job. If I needed a National Director of Apes, I would go out and find the absolutely best qualified ape there is. I wouldn’t care if the ape was a Democrat or a Republican, or a male or female ape. The ability to get the best possible performance from the head ape as he or she ran the Department of Apes would be my goal.
As President, I would only take the country to war if I was absolutely sure, beyond any possible shadow of doubt, that I would be successful as the nation’s commander in chief and win the war. Otherwise, I would keep the troops at home and deploy them to pick up trash in public parks.
As President, if I had taken the country to war I would have lunch every Wednesday with the Republican and Democratic leaders of both the House and Senate and engage in a thorough discussion of how the war was going and what we needed to do to fine tune managing the war. I would make sure that the lunch started on time, that it lasted no more than 90 minutes and that the food was plain and inexpensive, perhaps carrot sticks and unsalted potato chips from the deli and plain tap water — none of that fancy and expensive bottled water from those springs in Lufkin, Texas.
As president, once a month without fail I would invite all my political opponents to a large football stadium like the one where the Washington Redskins play. I would sit on a platform in the middle of the field and all my political opponents would fill the stadium seats. I would take questions — no holds barred, nothing off limits — for two hours. I would answer all the questions as completely and honestly as possible, no dissembling of any kind at any time.
As president, I would not have any kind of a pet in the White House — no dog or cat or gerbil or hamster or iguana. Particularly, no iguanas. They give me the creeps. I wouldn’t even have an ant colony. And I wouldn’t allow my spouse or my children, or even the White House chef, to have any kind of a pet. No pets, period, end of discussion.
As president, I would hold a daily press conference promptly as 11 a.m., except on Sunday, which is God’s day of rest. I would invite all the press corps to crowd into the Oval Office for 30 minutes and let them and ask any question they wanted. I would answer each question as honestly and thoroughly as possible, no dissembling of any kind at any time. However, I might ask the members of the press not to shout “Mister President” at me to get my attention. That kind of shouting would probably give me a migraine.
As president, I would not have a limousine, helicopter or Air Force One airplane. Whenever possible, I would walk to an appointment in Washington, if it wasn’t too far. Or maybe ride my bike if the weather was nice. Or take a taxi, of course. Talking to taxi drivers is a good way to find out what is going on. If I needed to get to an appointment by car, I would drive myself and always select a car from the GSA motor pool that gets good gas mileage. If needed to fly across the country, I would go to Hotwire or one of those kind of El Cheapo Internet airline ticket companies and book the cheapest ticket possible in order to save the taxpayers’ money.
That’s what I would do, if I were president.